I wrote a blog back in January titled “Layers”, sometimes I just write to clear my mind and other times there is a specific thing I feel I should write about to not only remind myself but to help others. I told you about my hysterectomy and how my life was almost taken after the birth of my youngest daughter. Last night I got to meet one of the nurses who had a hand in saving my life and it was the most amazing experience. Two separate lives that were both impacted by this beautiful tragedy, two lives that were forever changed because of the power of prayer.
I struggled with my purpose in life after that day, I remember feeling like God was picking on me and how much I resented him for bringing me back. In my mind I feel like I was so angry because I got a glimpse of heaven and wondered why I needed to come back to such a dark and hateful world (I don’t remember anything about that day other than passing out and waking up). One painful heart ache after another is all I ever thought life would be and it was all I have ever known, I stayed stuck in a depression for over a year. There were times I was thankful and thought about my O Positive blood donor, the doctors and nurses that worked on me but never really thought about person. They had lives too, they seen trauma everyday and still had to go home not knowing if the person they were helping made it through the night. Not knowing if the person used their second chance to continue on the road that lead them where they were or if they had the courage to change. Can you even imagine working to save a mother of 5 children, one who was a newborn and another physically disabled? They worked so hard that day to make sure I was alive to be a mother to my children, a wife to my husband and a life changer to my world. The events in our lives can make us bitter or they can impact our lives in such a way that we do all we can to make sure no one ever has to experience the pain we felt.
When I started the Blue Slide Project (a wheelchair accessible playground at Parkside Elementary in Grants Pass, Or) I started coming back to life, I was still held back by my layers but had a spark of hope. I was leaving my house to go to meetings, forming friendships and volunteering in my community. I seen that although the world was dark and hateful, there were those who were trying to “overcome evil with good”(Romans 12:21). I met some really great people and have formed bonds that could not have formed without the tragedy’s in my life. When my brother passed away, I took one step back and felt like I was slipping again. I remember my husband telling me, “I know how much your brother meant to you, but you have a family that needs you to get better”. I was angry at first because he didn’t understand my pain, but it was those words that helped me get to where I am today. I woke up one day shortly after that talk and decided I can not let obesity take my life.
Last night when I talked to the nurse I had the opportunity to see how valuable my life was to strangers, how much they didn’t give up on me and how even to the point of death I was still “fighting”. After the doctors had done all they could to save my life, they informed my husband that they did not expect me to make it through the night. She told me how 3 nurses gathered in the hall after working on me for about an hour and prayed that my fate would not be death. The next day she peaked her head in the door to see that I had survived the night, and that is one of the things I remember as I was slipping in and out of consciousness. We both stood their sobbing, and I began to thank her for what she did and for being a life saver. Of course her response was, “the doctors saved you, I didn’t”. My reply was simple, “yes, but you prayed”. So why would I ever give up on my life? Why should I ever feel like my work here is in vain? I won’t anymore, I cried all the way home thanking God for sparing my life and for a second chance. I was brought back to do good works and change the lives of my family and those around me. Although I am not perfect, and often make mistakes, I told God I would do my best from this day forward to be the light and carry hope.
Here is a picture I was always ashamed of, every time I saw it I seen trauma I never seen a miracle although I knew there was one there. I remember that day, and days after, it was such a dark and lonely time because no one was able to convince me that my life was a miracle. I have a scar on my neck from the picc line in my jugular vein and was angry every time I saw it. Now its a reminder of hope and I will no longer be ashamed of my scar but celebrate in all I have overcome. I don’t want to sound boastful I am just so grateful that God is faithful to his word. When He says, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.” Isaiah 61:3 All Glory to God who saved me by his grace and gave me hope through all my beautiful tragedy’s,
Please if you are reading this, don’t let a tragedy wake you up, don’t let pain be what motivates you to change your eating habits or the things in your life that hold you back. I know a lot of this is repeats from previous blogs but I really want you to understand how much freedom I have received by letting things go. For Christ died so we could live, He carried our sin and shame on the cross so we could have freedom. The greatest beautiful tragedy of all time…