The grieving heart holds a mystical essence, where the setting of the sun and the dawn of a new day blend together, as I lay, numb, gazing at that very same wall, feeling life absent of you. Yet God, you are the one who made both & cause the earth to run its course. During the night, my thoughts pierce my heart, and I willingly immerse myself in my anguish, reassuring my soul that I will always remember every moment I spent loving you. Sorrow seeps through my dreams & in my waking moments the first image is of you reaching for me. I am in agony over the idea yet I must acknowledge, we will never speak & I will never know. This is the closest to insanity I’m sure, repeating the same behavior expecting you to appear. The continuous pain has me paralyzed, unable to see past today. My hopes and dreams seem meaningless, yet your words resound, encouraging me to let go, forgive those who wronged, and remember the story.
When I collect enough courage to get out of bed, the sequence of information written in time exposes how my love was rejected. I knew as a youth you longed to love & be loved without pain. Isn’t that something we all wish, to take a chance on love & never feel the sting it brings? Yet when you encountered my heart I’m convinced your mind wouldn’t allow; as the risks you took with others in times past snatched our relationship, leaving only moments where you allowed us to exist.
I kept loving you, kept breaking, kept wishing.
The day goes, as I sneak away to cry, it’s a mystery how a smile exists with so much pain inside. I no longer feel guilty for the laughs that escape, as I remember laughter is what got you out of bed most days. Grief, why must you insist on entangling my mind? Yes, you’ve visited me a time or two, but now at this moment I am overcome by your presence. I am mesmerized by photos of you, Dear Mama, the reality of eternity on earth without you repeats the cycle and my day goes, wishing. Grief, we must exist together!
But how?
I pictured my mama running into the arms of Jesus, excited she suffered no more, then the scene faded to black. In the absence of light I sat alone by the river, the branches of the tree she sat under hung low, leaves dark as a raven. The salmon no longer run, the birds somehow lost their tune, from my view point the world was in mourning.
All that exists is tucked away, I’ve cried so many nights thinking I wouldn’t survive this union, yet I remain. The foundation I built is on Christ so when intrusive thoughts overpowered I knew I would weather the truth. The absolute truth. My mama will never be where I need her to be, I will never sit with her by the river or hold her in my arms.
Early grief is brutal, I received the most relief from from Megan Devin’s book, It’s ok that you’re not ok. She says, “It’s ok that you’re not ok…Start by telling the truth, this really is as bad as you think. Everything really is a wrong and as bazaar as you know it to be. When we start there we can begin to start living with grief, living inside the love that remains.”
My God, I cried out! I begged Him for relief as grief lay with me both day and night. In the midst of my suffering God pulled me up out of deep waters restoring my hope & renewing my mind.
I continue to re-imagine her union with Jesus, I will not allow fear to waste away at me. I am pressed on every side, numb & confused but I do not feel abandoned. In my weakness I think, “If I can just touch the hem of his garment, I will be healed”. The most purest my heart has ever been was the moment grief took my mama place & the Lord turned his face towards mine.
God, grief & me.
My hope is that through sharing these raw feelings of early grief that somehow you, the reader will find courage & hope. The intensity of grief is the love poured into the people who are no more. There is no amount of time & this is not something you get over. Give yourself permission to feel every single ache & cry every tear. You may find instant relief but for most, grief is at every stage, but so is God. As your sleepless nights turn into days, in the midst of pain God is within reach. I wasn’t spared from pain, when you love great, the risk is grieving what was or what could’ve been.
In my upcoming blog post, I will delve into the story of the birds in the willow tree and how their presence became a divine catalyst, helping me finally let go of the grip I held on my mother. Through my writings, I unfold the journey of my heart’s healing, openly sharing my experiences from forgiveness to grief. It is my hope that by doing so, you too may find the path to freedom.
“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
Real Mom of 5 