I am a real mom, meaning I don't have it all together, I am flawed, I make mistakes but at the end of the day, I try my best and always make things right when I am wrong. I love hard and give with everything in me to those willing to receive. It is true that I've learned through trial and error to love myself and be unapologetic for not living up to other's expectations of me. This in return gives those around me permission to be unapologetic as well. it's a beautiful thing to find the few people who love you just the way you are. I'm married to an awesome hardworking man and have 5 children, my oldest has made me a grandma x3. I had the opportunity to work many years as a stay-at-home mom, although during the time I lived with depression, it was one of my greatest joys. How Ironic, right? I have overcome many challenges throughout my younger years as well as during and after my youngest son's cancer diagnosis that left him paralyzed at just 4 months old.
A near-death experience after childbirth in 2010 had me questioning my existence, I began to wonder if the God I believed in created me to suffer. It wasn't until I looked outside myself that I was able to find hope through volunteerism. I hope to inspire others to be all that they can hope or imagine to be through sharing my experience as a person who came from nothing and decided to be the best version of who I wanted to be. I am a mom, wife, daughter, friend, community leader & advocate, but those are just my titles, who I am is much more. I believe we all were created with purpose, regardless of position or status. Being a mother to a son with a disability created situations that caused me to dig really deep to provide solutions for not only my son but for future generations.
In my spare time, I like to blog, read, listen to anything inspiring. I get most of my inspiration from Sylvester Stallone, TD Jakes, Napoleon Hill, Andy Andrews, Earl Nightingale, Les Brown, and Myles Monroe. I am very passionate about helping others and volunteering with different local organizations; my focus is not just on giving but teaching others how to do for themselves. I do not claim to have the best grammar or punctuation, I just really love writing what is on my mind and hopefully inspire someone to be the best version of themselves. My desire is to inspire others to be all God has created them to be or whatever your higher power may be. I believe we all have talents and gifts and it is up to us as individuals to pull them out. Please feel free to reach out with any questions and I will answer as soon as possible.
The grieving heart holds a mystical essence, where the setting of the sun and the dawn of a new day blend together, as I lay, numb, gazing at that very same wall, feeling life absent of you. Yet God, you are the one who made both & cause the earth to run its course. During the night, my thoughts pierce my heart, and I willingly immerse myself in my anguish, reassuring my soul that I will always remember every moment I spent loving you. Sorrow seeps through my dreams & in my waking moments the first image is of you reaching for me. I am in agony over the idea yet I must acknowledge, we will never speak & I will never know. This is the closest to insanity I’m sure, repeating the same behavior expecting you to appear. The continuous pain has me paralyzed, unable to see past today. My hopes and dreams seem meaningless, yet your words resound, encouraging me to let go, forgive those who wronged, and remember the story.
When I collect enough courage to get out of bed, the sequence of information written in time exposes how my love was rejected. I knew as a youth you longed to love & be loved without pain. Isn’t that something we all wish, to take a chance on love & never feel the sting it brings? Yet when you encountered my heart I’m convinced your mind wouldn’t allow; as the risks you took with others in times past snatched our relationship, leaving only moments where you allowed us to exist.
I kept loving you, kept breaking, kept wishing.
The day goes, as I sneak away to cry, it’s a mystery how a smile exists with so much pain inside. I no longer feel guilty for the laughs that escape, as I remember laughter is what got you out of bed most days. Grief, why must you insist on entangling my mind? Yes, you’ve visited me a time or two, but now at this moment I am overcome by your presence. I am mesmerized by photos of you, Dear Mama, the reality of eternity on earth without you repeats the cycle and my day goes, wishing. Grief, we must exist together!
But how?
I pictured my mama running into the arms of Jesus, excited she suffered no more, then the scene faded to black. In the absence of light I sat alone by the river, the branches of the tree she sat under hung low, leaves dark as a raven. The salmon no longer run, the birds somehow lost their tune, from my view point the world was in mourning.
All that exists is tucked away, I’ve cried so many nights thinking I wouldn’t survive this union, yet I remain. The foundation I built is on Christ so when intrusive thoughts overpowered I knew I would weather the truth. The absolute truth. My mama will never be where I need her to be, I will never sit with her by the river or hold her in my arms.
Early grief is brutal, I received the most relief from from Megan Devin’s book, It’s ok that you’re not ok. She says, “It’s ok that you’re not ok…Start by telling the truth, this really is as bad as you think. Everything really is a wrong and as bazaar as you know it to be. When we start there we can begin to start living with grief, living inside the love that remains.”
My God, I cried out! I begged Him for relief as grief lay with me both day and night. In the midst of my suffering God pulled me up out of deep waters restoring my hope & renewing my mind.
I continue to re-imagine her union with Jesus, I will not allow fear to waste away at me. I am pressed on every side, numb & confused but I do not feel abandoned. In my weakness I think, “If I can just touch the hem of his garment, I will be healed”. The most purest my heart has ever been was the moment grief took my mama place & the Lord turned his face towards mine.
God, grief & me.
My hope is that through sharing these raw feelings of early grief that somehow you, the reader will find courage & hope. The intensity of grief is the love poured into the people who are no more. There is no amount of time & this is not something you get over. Give yourself permission to feel every single ache & cry every tear. You may find instant relief but for most, grief is at every stage, but so is God. As your sleepless nights turn into days, in the midst of pain God is within reach. I wasn’t spared from pain, when you love great, the risk is grieving what was or what could’ve been.
In my upcoming blog post, I will delve into the story of the birds in the willow tree and how their presence became a divine catalyst, helping me finally let go of the grip I held on my mother. Through my writings, I unfold the journey of my heart’s healing, openly sharing my experiences from forgiveness to grief. It is my hope that by doing so, you too may find the path to freedom.
“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
When the prodigal son returned after squandering all his inheritance, the older brother who labored while he was away was resentful. I could feel the break as he watched the sadness disappear in his fathers eyes as the youngest approached in the distance. When I read the story in Luke, I could imagine the conversation the older brother had with himself. “I don’t understand, I was the one left to comfort my fathers grieving heart, yet only a glimpse of this boy instantaneously separated his brows (the father)& relieved years of pain.”
“All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitute comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!” Luke 15:29
As someone whose role was the sacrificial lamb, I was loyal to my own detriment. Continuously compromising myself for the sake of being loved & accepted. I believed wholeheartedly the family I cherished would eventually allow me inside the circle. When I made my way back home, however it came with a cost. The ones left behind could not understand why my mom would allow me back into her life. What they may not have known or remembered was the moments I was in their shoes. Do they remember when I cooked & cleaned while mom struggled with 5/300, depression & the inability to get out of bed after the loss of my stepfather. Did they forget her grieving heart & the injury that assisted in us losing of everything?
I stayed.
I stayed when the electric company put a lock on the meter.
I stayed to help boil water on a bbq grill for the youngest to bathe. I’m sure she thought it strange, but never did she take a cold bath or feel any hunger pangs.
I stayed, psyching myself up to submersed myself in a porcelain tub filled with freezing water, repeating aloud “this is hot water”, washing as fast as I could. I was thankful we still had a roof over our head & each other. Joking about it later so mama wouldn’t feel bad about the predicament. Who knew people now a days fill bins with ice water to release brain chemicals associated with positive moods.
I stayed with no lights and minimal food.
I stayed homeless.
I stayed living in a shelter for ex-cons that allowed a mother and her 3 young girls to lay their heads.
I stayed to pay & provide shelter.
I stayed to buy school clothes.
I stayed through the emotional manipulation
I stayed, until I couldn’t
As I grew in life I was taken in directions not acceptable, no longer playing by the rules, I reincarnated as the black sheep. Confusion on my position created tension in the family dynamics as I refused to sacrifice myself for the benefit of others. Shattered by the world at the age of 15 & bound by the memories of my journey, I didn’t have the care to be what they wanted. The new version was not accepted, but if I’m honest, was I ever really? I was always too loud, too fat, too much, my laugh, my talk, my existence criticized. Even when I played along with the manipulation, my disguise would always fail me.
Enough!
I am enough!
When I was growing a family of my own, I did all I could to prevent any harm, but my unforgiving heart built a wall that no one could scale. As I looked from the outside, I realized this was not such a bad place to be. Rumors spread like wildfire as the despised black sheep; “family members” never bothered to ask me why or cared my side. On my back, I carried sins, while the wall & wildfire allowed me to build a higher barrier to protect my people. My family unit was unscathed by the crossfire while I was being mutilated by my past & struggled with the present. I would do it a million times over as my goal was to always protect them.
At that time, I hadn’t dealt with my childhood trauma or the rape when I was 15. It wasn’t until my secret was released without permission that I consciously acknowledged the details to explain to my husband why I held the secret so tight. He screamed in rage, my mind would tell me, “if he knew, he would feel as disgusting as you.” It was easier for me to discard the memories as they surfaced to give my littles the opportunity to enjoy their youth. I was robbed of my innocence & if I turned a blind eye, I could not be reoffended by my memories & the power to hurt was withdrawn. That was until my unwillingness to forgive burned inside & the wall of protection brought me to my knees.
Boundaries.
No, I don’t think I’m better than you. Let’s talk about the issues or we are through.
No, put the carpet down, I will not sweep another time as my heart is shattered. Will you help me gather these pieces, we need to fix these issues with the generation before so the ones to come stand a chance.
I learned early on how to shield my heart, but somewhere along the way while building my fortress, a callous protruded. Over time foreign bodies will cause irritation, and if not properly treated, infection & even death. My heart was damaged & the temporary solutions to my deep-rooted issues caused my flesh to weep. My body violently sought solutions, but without direction, I held my ground. Yearning to truly embrace the love of my mother, knowing reality would always keep us apart.
I no longer wanted to hide my pain, understand my position, or continue relationships without healing first. I had decisions to make, I could hold on to the hurts and pain or accept accountability for where I was wrong and release the people I held responsible up until that point. In the Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews, he helped me to understand I was exactly where I wanted to be in my life based on my decisions. Although painful to acknowledge, in order to heal, I had to remove the callous I was protecting on my heart. Forgiving all who had part in chipping away at me was the very thing I needed to be free.
Six months after reading this life changing book, my mother & me reconnected. We met at my favorite coffee shop, sitting in the back where the coffee roasters lay. The smell of roasted beans filled the air as I questioned my nerves. The adrenaline burst throughout my body, and my newly restored heart struggled to steady. I fumbled over my words as past experience knows she will never admit to her wrong. I remind myself that her acknowledgments are not a prerequisite to heal. I cry out, I love you, mom. I really need you to know that I love you with all my heart. Before I could finish, she interjected. “I’m sorry for what you think I did to you.” What I think? I got up to walk away, as she grabbed my hand to stop me. Please sit down. Mom, I have things I really want to do with my life, and I can no longer carry this unforgiveness with me. I release you. I would love to call and have you call me and rebuild what was broken, but I will give you the final say. I can no longer be held responsible for the sins of my youth. If you have something to say, please say it now, I can’t keep going back and forth. We talked some more, I let her express, point her fingers & blame, it wasn’t towards me but a natural defenses when the elephant in the room is finally acknowledged. I wanted to scream, I’m not here to prove me right, only to return as your lost black sheep! I knew God sent me there not to share my feelings but to remind her how much she was truly loved. I walked away sad but hopeful knowing I was being obedient.
What I didn’t know was my mom only had 5 Springs to plant her flower & vegetable garden. She was diagnosed with 2 terminal illnesses, in the moment I was unsure if I was being manipulated. My heart took a chance as I followed God’s lead. In that short time, she did as many things as her body would allow. I wept at the thought of only having a few short years to make the best of time. We laughed, cried, and shared our hearts, there is a sense of urgency when you’re given 3 to 5. I connected with my mom on a new level, I was no longer someone she needed to conquer but a fellow soldier who shared similar scars. She allowed me into her circle for the first time since I was 8 or 9. I always heard my siblings talk about the beautiful person she was, but she withheld it from me until time wrestled her into submission. I’ll never know why I was the one that she wanted to conquer, but I’m grateful.
When I came back for my second return, there was one who thought it was her hour to play God. I kept company as much as I could in the time I was allotted. The bond was not acceptable by those who thought I didn’t deserve what my mom sacrificed for me. Taking her to her appointments and sitting with her in the hospital were my gifts. Planning her funeral, sifting through all her belongings and organizing boxes for those who would grieve when she was gone was a beautiful tragedy. It was like old times, me and her during the many moves, to new adventures which were not always the best. We were always running, trying to escape the reality of my mom’s life choices. This time, it was different. The finale was approaching, the fat lady about to sing. The conclusion of anything is bittersweet, yet the thought of losing this version of my mom broke my heart once more. You wished it to keep going, but know in your heart things will end.
My mother’s finale was horrible, her ending, vile! Something from a True Crime novel. A bird, one of her favorite friends, takes the power out, withdrawing air from the life-saving beast plugged into the wall. The empty portable tank comes in with the assist as my mother walk to her death. I texted at 3pm gone by 4:46 p.m., according to the death cert. I confront time in the darkness I face each day without her. Why couldn’t I have just one more? One week before, time taunted me, I received the green light from the one holding the keys. She would allow me to visit once more. Mama and I planned to sit by the river & share conversation, me no longer the warden only her Nonie. I was so close to my one more, yet time robbed us both of what we yearned for, each other. I grapple daily at this very thought. Why didn’t I drop what I was doing? Her embrace slipped through my hands, and now I stare out the window of my home, not next to my mama by the river once more.
Dear Black sheep, scapegoat, or prodigal son. Time is unforgiving. It will not wait for you to be ready. You’re probably thinking, “what does this girl know about my state of affairs or scars”. I don’t know, I can only share the extreme pain my heart is in as I reach down in anguish to share these words with you. I have my redemption story, but you do not yet. I imagine what life would be now if I had held on to every wrong or unpleasant word. The hate I held would’ve wanted vindication, yet time wouldn’t care to give what I felt was owed. I’m filled with gratitude for being obedient and releasing my shattered heart to dare. I cry on the floor daily thinking about all the wasted time, wishing I would’ve healed sooner. I encourage you to free yourself, even if the other side does not acknowledge.
True forgiveness doesn’t include the phrase, “I’m sorry.”
True forgiveness allows the pain to dissipate so the heart is free to dare & live.
True forgiveness does not need justification, vindication or reconciliation. There are situations where it would be a danger to continue the relationship; sometimes you are left mourning the loss of a beating heart who could not reciprocate. Forgive them anyway!
When you forgive, you save yourself and in the process gain the clarity needed to navigate the life you’ve always deserved without heaviness. You didn’t choose to be born, you didn’t get to pick your parents, childhood or scars, but they are there. You can run away, drink, get high, whatever your vice, yet in the morning you still have the same life. What are you holding on to? Is it worth the anguish? The one who offended wouldn’t notice they are responsible for your wounds. Stop assuming what they did was ever about you! I’ve stayed up at night thinking what to write, as I remember the unnecessary suffering and wish to save you.
On the other side of forgiveness is life. We can find rest knowing that God will carry all the hard things.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
If you are struggling with unforgiveness , please seek help. If you have questions or need a reference point, I’d love to help you start the process. I am praying for the people reading these words. May you find healing, rest & redemption. You are enough!
At times when I reflect on my life it’s like playing with the pin of a grenade, I know it’s dangerous yet I pull out memories that cause explosions I’m not sure I can contain. As I stare at a picture of my siblings and me, I am transported to moments when nothing seemed real and if I’m not careful I feel I could get lost. It’s possible to forgive others and heal & be triggered when you’re forced back into old places, times & spaces. Can I go back and reopen all the wounds to find the good memories? One day, I hope. Right now I want to allow myself to continue healing as I take steps toward my destiny.
Too late.
The sad eyes and the smiling face pull me back, it’s as if I was there in real-time. I see myself as a child when I would imagine my life was a movie, where I believed there was a hidden camera filming my day-to-day. Even when the news was on, I imagined the people inside the TV could see what was happening in my reality show and they were doing nothing to stop the madness in the four walls. When I was by myself I would scream at the characters playing on the screen, Can’t you see what’s happening?? I looked around waiting to hear, “cut or that’s a wrap”, only silence. The more time went on I began to realize, it was my life. Once I could tell the difference I kept up the act, I smiled, played the role, was obedient, and never rocked the boat but inside who I was created to be, was slowly dying.
The conflict I had within myself was this, as I went through life, the version of myself that fit for one season did not work for the new cast & crew. It was always me that needed to change, the bar kept raising & I realized who I was created to be would never good enough for anyone around me but God. I think parts of me resented Him for creating me this way, for allowing my life to continue, I resented my life, I resented everything. I recently moved my family from my comfortable stable life into the unknown and it scares the shit out of me. The unstable ground I am walking on feels familiar. I am being asked to put on a smile, be obedient, play my role, and God forbid I rock the boat. This time, however, I am not a child who requires accolades. I am a Forty-something that knows reality from imagination and I no longer feel the need to conform.
As life is ever-changing before me, God asks me to continue walking even though I feel unsteady. “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” Proverbs 4
I question, How?
Not to be defiant or question his plan for my life, I don’t know how.
The variables in my current life situation are many, my whole identity was uprooted & now being challenged. When you’ve lived the majority of your life never taking root and finally find a place to call home, it’s peaceful. I love all the places God has healed & where he is taking me yet I’m afraid. I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life. Could it be that I am so close to where He wants me that frightens me the most? Could it be the peace I want to go back to is an illusion to cause a distraction so great it disrupts all my members but the spirit?
I’m unable to see and what I feel is deceiving me.
Searching.
He is searching me as I search for Him.
Confusion & chaos ensue me as I walk this unstable, unsteady, unrooted ground. Yet in all of it, I am still CHOSEN.
Uprooted I search for the places where He should have my feet to walk. Like the hinds feet of a deer, I am planted firm in the heights though illusions should have me think I am forsaken. Psalm 18:33 “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights”
As God continues to do good work in me my humanness is exposed & new levels of trust come to the surface. Courage requires vulnerability and these uncomfortable places create gaps that only God can fill. In my own strength, I try and scale the walls I’ve not to tread yet my ego convinces me I should be further than this. Who am I here? What am I supposed to do? Usually, the script is written for me, who I should be, how I should act, and what I should say. Yet here I am, in this place to face my past so I can live the unscripted version God wants the world to see. Can they handle who I am, this is not up to me to decide, this unstable ground is playing havoc with the truths of my past & present. Yet I stand, griping my destiny with my teeth, I hold tight.
We are all one thought, action, and choice away from completely losing the life we built & tried to protect. In new places, times & spaces I walk the heights. I don’t know how I will come out unscathed, yet “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way clear.” (Psalm 18) My thoughts and feelings have become traitors & my past the lead agitator. It is within myself I wrestle, screaming for the truth. Standing at this height I can not be trusted, yet God in all his glory is strengthing me. “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore you, strengthen you and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
What I am left with is this, who told you?
Who told you, you couldn’t?
Who told you, you weren’t?
Who told you, it wasn’t supposed to be?
Who told you that where you are right now is not where God wanted you to be?
Broken. Crushed in spirit I cry for help, & He hears me.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit .” Psalm 34:17-18
Willfully broken I will climb to new heights, not because of me but of HIM who lives in me. The one who knows where I should be requires that I continue to take the steps, handing over my outdated tools and exchanging them for ones that serve in the season I am in. It is for this season I was created, blessed, and highly favored. In this season I will be strengthened, and my back will be strong for the journey. I can’t look at the distance, only to God who will equip me for the task ahead.
“How can we sing the songs of the Lord while in a foreign land? For the Israelites, clinging to the memory of Jerusalem was all that was left, the good, the bad & the ugly. They hung up their harps in what seemed to be a protest as their captures demanded songs of joy(Psalm 137).
They wept instead.
By the rivers of Babylon, they wept.
I could feel the heaviness in this Psalm as I face my own captivity while remembering the places of prosperity, hope, despair & pain. The ease of my daily activities has slipped from my hands as I gaze at my promise while hanging up my harp. I ask the same question, how can I sing in this foreign land?
Heavy, so heavy. In the pit but not as deep, I question my position. I can’t be here, I can not forget my own Jerusalem. As I open my mouth to sing I am restrained by my surroundings, with nothing to grasp to I panic, as the promise fades.
I weep.
In this pit of despair, I weep.
Although the things I am facing are hard, my mind wants to create a pit for me as comfort. If I can escape the reality of my life I don’t have to face my deep feelings of sadness, I can hang up my harp, sit in disobedience, and have fellowship with the things that torment me. My hope is through sharing my raw feelings of hopelessness I can bring awareness to the very real bondage of our minds. Having lived through some very dark times, my mind often finds comfort in the pit.
It’s easier for me to fall into my comforts rather than push through the magnitude of what I perceive as loss. The same force that caused me to fall could be what picks me up depending on my thoughts. Never in my life would I think I would be where I am at this very moment because my thoughts were always on the mountain(or in Jerusalem). But in this foreign land? The mountain seems so far away and the promise is but a flicker. The snowball continues as I sit back and let the enemy rob me of joy and the testimony of God’s goodness.
That’s until I read Psalm 138
Summarized “I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart(1)…may they sing of the ways of the Lord, for the glory of the Lord is great(5)…Though I was in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life…with your right hand, you save me(7).”
The scriptures are so important to read, not only on the mountaintop but in the valley where our character & endurance are tested and we are to put into practice the things we learned up until this point. Hope in the valley is trusting the promise that was received on the mountain. God, give me the endurance to continue on my journey as I cling to hope and my promise. Clear my mind and align my thought with yours, to the God “who leads his people through the wilderness(psalm 136:16)” and remembers us in our “low estate(23)”. I WILL “give thanks to the God of the heavens, His love endures forever!(26)”
How can I sing the songs of the Lord while in a foreign Land?
I sing to break the chains of the enemy, as I lift the Lord on high & give thanks he will strengthen & equip me for the journey. As the pain flows, in my deep despair He is binding my wounds through every song of praise I choose. Let me never forget the places you brought me from, let me never forget your love in this valley. Help me to remember your promises as I seek your face in this dry land. If I forget, “may my right hand forget its skill. May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you, if I do not consider Jerusalem my highest joy. (Psalm 137:5-6)”
At the end of the day, it’s a choice!
Growing up with a parent who struggled with mental illness and battling my own depression, I say this with love. I know it’s hard, but the choice to stay down is up to you.
Have your moment where you hang up your harp because the fact you didn’t send it down the river means you have a shimmer of hope. That is all that is needed to get to the other side.
This is but a season, don’t let the temporary captivity be the reality you speak.
I know I’ve written on this topic before, through a different set of eyes & knowledge of Christ. The freedom & genuine love I’ve experienced in the past 4 years has been what my soul has craved since I was a little girl. Recently, however, I wrestled with the thought, “am I enough?”
I’ve died to myself, willingly surrendering my life to Christ & committing every day to put his plan for my life ahead of what I think it should be. I want to grow & learn, not just in the teachings I believe but in understanding why others believe as they do. In conversation with a family member about Apostolic traditions we were talking about several topics, each leading to more confusion. How would I dishonor God & my husband by not doing xy&z?
I had to examine myself.
The ask always seems more than I can bear, maybe I’m not enough? In my thinking, I reasoned, how can God bring me from such despair to these corrections?
It all appeared meaningless.
Briefly, I toiled.
Maybe I’ve walked away from a life I could have only dreamed about as a child to wrestle with these words that have brought death to my dreams.
Maybe I will continually struggle to submit to this lifestyle I question, never fully grasping the meanings God intended in the scriptures. Deep feelings of inadequacy flood the front of my mind as I come back to this notion, “will I ever be enough?”
Briefly…
My innermost parts groaned at the idea, spiraling down I could feel the heaviness as this familiar thought tried to penetrate my understanding of truth. Of course, it was only for a moment yet the thought pierced my soul and my heart ached at the idea. I wondered if God’s heart ached a little too. I imagined Him saying, take that thought captive, does it align with what you know is true?
Briefly, I had forgotten, I AM ENOUGH.
Although I’ve asked God to stretch, teach & guide me at times my flesh wants to tap out. Feeling the pressure of the load seems like more than I can brave, yet I will continue to walk in a way that is pleasing to God. It’s easy to feel judged or inadequate when attending a holiness church. There are so many practices in the doctrine I don’t believe but I want to understand.
I have attended church online with TD Jakes since 2018, God did great work in me, just Him & me. I couldn’t imagine I would come face to face with myself as my own thinking has always been my arch-enemy. Yet His lovingkindness is better than life, I will offer praises to HIM in my weakness. I was brought to this moment for a reason, God’s timing & plan for my life is perfect. As he paves the way I will do the work necessary as He convicts me.
Sometimes the ask DOES feel like more than you can bear, but bear it anyway!
I feel like I am all over the place with this writing, yet right where I need to be. When I can write freely I imagine it will all make sense to you those who read my posts. In the end, it is the battle in our own thinking that provokes feelings of inadequacy. My understanding of Apostolic teachings is rooted in past negative experiences. I can not measure where I am right now to the past, I’m simply not the same person.
We are more often closer to our destiny yet give up because we don’t know how to handle the places HE takes us. Lean on Him in your ignorance, trust & submit to Him fully, and He will guide you.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
When wisdom enters your heart, And knowledge is pleasant to your soul, Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you, To deliver you from the way of evil…
Proverbs 2:10-12
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.
Psalm 119:34
Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
Psalm 63:3
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”
The moment I needed grace I remembered all the times I withheld it. Let me be justified in my ways my heart would cry, the sting of the pain still fresh in my mind.
Yet, I need grace.
The internal struggle is in favor of me as the script shows vindication for my wounds. My heart breaks over and over as I cling to words spoken, actions and absence. LET ME BE JUSTIFIED!!!
Yet. I. Need. Grace.
Standing in the middle I must make a choice, release my offender or sit in the pain as I build a wall where who I will I offend is out of my reach. In my human nature it seemed it was better to entertain the suffering that was destroying my destiny than offer grace & forgiveness. I wanted to expose all the wrong doings, not understanding that one day it would be my turn.
I would be exposed.
The shame of my actions would be on display as I scrambled to defend my position. I have no excuses, only shame.
What do you do when you’re in the middle of grace?
I must release the clinch of unforgiveness, willingly broken. As I fall at the feet of those undeserving of my fury, begging and pleading, I wait patiently in the middle with them. Those who I’ve hurt must make the choice to release me from my offense or keep the grip tight.
The cycle of grace begins and ends with me. I understand that I can not receive grace from another, if I’ve not given it away first. We must understand the need to continually offer grace even if grace isn’t reciprocated.
The times I’ve held on to grace I took a stand against life, giving my offender power over my mind & actions. I don’t want to leave my fate in the hands of another, I understand the roots of bitterness that penetrate the soul can change the course of ones destiny. We will always be in the middle of grace, as giver or receiver. Willingly broken, I’ll continue to offer this gift that is not mine to keep.
Let the love for one another be greater than the need to avenge or seek justice for offenses. In the middle of grace is where we understand the true meaning of forgiveness. In the middle we learn God’s heart for humanity and our role in sharing light and hope.
It took me almost 4o years to learn these lessons and I’ll continue to share my experiences with the hope that others may receive freedom. Everything we do in life starts with a choice, either you do or you don’t. Not making a choice is still a choice! I pray continually for the readers of my blog to receive the insight needed to take one more step in the direction God has for your life. Your breakthrough is just around the corner.
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do no use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command; “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
I’ve been reading in Hosea about God’s faithfulness to his people despite their constant worship of other idols. He was calling them to “10:12break up” their unplowed ground & sow righteousness to reap the fruit of unfailing love. It is time to see the Lord until he comes(11:2).”It seemed the more they were called, the more they went away” From him. The ground of their hearts was so hard, good seed was unable to penetrate & grow as they drifted further, and further away from God & their promise.
As I continued to read there was a phrase that really popped regarding plowing of the land and our hearts, “Because you have depended on your own strength”.
Wow!
I thought about how many times have I’ve depended on my own strength causing me to be so closed off to the miracle that is performed everyday as I take in each breath of life. Sometimes I wonder how the Isrealiest could be so naive to God’s love & power, yet I too have depended on my own comforts & strengths. The past couple of months I’ve struggled with the same idol as God’s ask of me was greater than I could comprehend.
The Israelites have become a source of self awareness as I too have wander in the wilderness. I know in the moment my flesh will cling to my own understanding, yet I will continue on the journey to my promise. I will allow God to take me back to the place where HE found me & healed my wounds. In that place I gain the clarity needed to forge through my doubts and insecurities. I understand the idol of self will destroy my connection with God, so will gladly surrender.
These ancient writings are more than just words on a page, they have become a roadmap of guidance and hope as God stretches me in new places. The words jump out of the page, grasping my heart as I question the meaning and how I can apply the information to my life.
For I know that “(4:14)a people without understanding will come to ruin…(5:6)When they go with their flocks and hearts to seek the Lord, they will not find him; he has withdrawn himself”
The prophet goes on to say, “Who is wise? Let them realize these things. Who is discerning? Let them understand. The ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.”
I know my fruitfulness comes only from God as I sit at his feet to gain clarity and understanding for my journey. He offers the same graces to all who are willing to walk with HIM.
I know our time is short as prophesy is unfolding before my eyes. My hope is through my writings I can help others gain clarity. I am a simple person who desires for God to dwell in my life through all that I do. If you are without hope our God will answer quickly, HE loves you dearly and desires “that everyone be saved and come to the knowledge of truth.” (1Tim 2:4)
Sometimes we don’t get to know all the details of a task that is placed before us, we are just asked to keep taking steps in faith. I’ve always been bothered by the term, “you just got to have faith,” although I’m sure I’ve irritated others a time or two with that cliché in my ignorance. Relationship with Christ requires complete surrender of self, in order to hear His voice as we walk down the path He has prepared. It can’t be faith alone that we yield to, relationship with the “good shepherd” will grant the wisdom to hear his voice in the frantic places. Without relationship we risk being deceived as there are so many opinions circulating as we obtain the courage to figure out the path on our own.
I’ve been guilty of being paralyzed by worry and anxiety as I leaned on my own understanding of what was possible for my life. It was only in the moments of complete surrender that I was able to hear the beautiful whispers of my Father calling amongst ALL the noise. It’s easy to know what to do when the path seems right, but what do you do when all you see is complete chaos? Without relationship, we rely on self and what is understood with our eyes. Although scary, the control we think we have gives false security & we are easily swayed. We talk ourselves out of our Promise and we rob the world of the very reason we were created.
Wisdom to know His voice is what I seek daily, it is the air that gives me life. I’ve tried my own path & ideas and they’ve always left me empty, hopeless & wanting more.
I’ve been in relationship with Christ, taking time to sit at His feet to builds trust, which has produced faith. I will walk in the scary places as my TRUST in Him is great. I have the confidence to know that He has chosen me to help spread this message of hope that others might be free from the same sabotage. David is a great witness to me as he’s faced all these things an more. I love digging into the Bible, when I am scared, uncertain or discouraged, I always have my hope renewed.
If you are struggling during these uncertain times and you’re finding it difficult to hear His voice. Sit at his feet, we won’t always know exactly what to do but HE gives us the insight to do something. I’m praying for all who read these words that you may be filled with HOPE as I am a witness to His goodness. If we seek him, we WILL find Him.❤️
Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. 2 I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”3 As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.[2]4 The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. 5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,[3] nor will you let your Holy One[4] see decay.11 You have made[5] known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Below is the the Oxfords Dictionary description & definition of exhaustion.
ex·haus·tion
noun
1. a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue. extreme tiredness, over tiredness, fatigue, weariness, lack of energy enervation debilitation, debility, faintness, prostration,enfeeble-men
2. the action or state of using something up or of being used up completely.
In the middle of life with all things good and bad is a place where God takes an examination of your heart after you’ve said yes to the calling. As I stand in the middle, with no desire to go back & exhausted from the journey I feel completely used up. As my body is trying to recover from the years of preparation & a full day’s drive, the physical exhaustion has become a playground of the enemy. Toying with my thoughts & emotions, raising questions of security & stability, bigger tasks, deeper asks. As I stand up to catch a breath, I cry in frustration at the thought of how much further we still must go. The final blow causes me to wonder, just wonder, did we make the right choice?
The wondering thought has become a slap in the face to my Father who has set me apart to complete a task that I said yes to. Forgetting all He has done to bring me to this point, perfectly packaging this place, our home in the middle of the thorns, knowing I still had work. Yet his Grace, His Grace IS sufficient for me. I got this realization as I’m almost to the end of one chapter, dropping idols God brings to my mind. There is no room for me if I am going to participate in God’s redemptive work. How I feel & what I want are second to my calling. With my eyes I wondered how this will work instead of thanking God for what He placed in my hands.
The enemy will use what he can to cause us to doubt what God spoke over our lives. When one is exhausted it becomes harder to stay focused, remain calm, make healthy decisions & regulate emotions. It’s like having all the tools to complete a task yet they are jumbled as we scramble to recognize if what we see is an illusion or truth.
How many times am I going to pick up what God is supposed to carry? Oh God, forgive me for my unbelief, I do not want to wander for any more time. This blog is full of raw feelings as I walk towards my promise.
Friends, if we are not careful, our wondering will turn to wandering and the control & unbelief we want so desperately to hold on to will be the very idols that keep us from our promise land. Physical & mental exhaustion require rest to recover, letting go to allow God to do what only he can do requires surrender, COMPLETE surrender.
In your exhaustion don’t allow the enemy to steal your promise, when you think you can’t go any further, take one more step. Your breakthrough is just around the corner.
My question to you is, what Idols are keeping you from the promise land?
Real Mom of 5 