At times when I reflect on my life it’s like playing with the pin of a grenade, I know it’s dangerous yet I pull out memories that cause explosions I’m not sure I can contain. As I stare at a picture of my siblings and me, I am transported to moments when nothing seemed real and if I’m not careful I feel I could get lost. It’s possible to forgive others and heal & be triggered when you’re forced back into old places, times & spaces. Can I go back and reopen all the wounds to find the good memories? One day, I hope. Right now I want to allow myself to continue healing as I take steps toward my destiny.
Too late.
The sad eyes and the smiling face pull me back, it’s as if I was there in real-time. I see myself as a child when I would imagine my life was a movie, where I believed there was a hidden camera filming my day-to-day. Even when the news was on, I imagined the people inside the TV could see what was happening in my reality show and they were doing nothing to stop the madness in the four walls. When I was by myself I would scream at the characters playing on the screen, Can’t you see what’s happening?? I looked around waiting to hear, “cut or that’s a wrap”, only silence. The more time went on I began to realize, it was my life. Once I could tell the difference I kept up the act, I smiled, played the role, was obedient, and never rocked the boat but inside who I was created to be, was slowly dying.
The conflict I had within myself was this, as I went through life, the version of myself that fit for one season did not work for the new cast & crew. It was always me that needed to change, the bar kept raising & I realized who I was created to be would never good enough for anyone around me but God. I think parts of me resented Him for creating me this way, for allowing my life to continue, I resented my life, I resented everything. I recently moved my family from my comfortable stable life into the unknown and it scares the shit out of me. The unstable ground I am walking on feels familiar. I am being asked to put on a smile, be obedient, play my role, and God forbid I rock the boat. This time, however, I am not a child who requires accolades. I am a Forty-something that knows reality from imagination and I no longer feel the need to conform.
As life is ever-changing before me, God asks me to continue walking even though I feel unsteady. “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” Proverbs 4
I question, How?
Not to be defiant or question his plan for my life, I don’t know how.
The variables in my current life situation are many, my whole identity was uprooted & now being challenged. When you’ve lived the majority of your life never taking root and finally find a place to call home, it’s peaceful. I love all the places God has healed & where he is taking me yet I’m afraid. I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life. Could it be that I am so close to where He wants me that frightens me the most? Could it be the peace I want to go back to is an illusion to cause a distraction so great it disrupts all my members but the spirit?
I’m unable to see and what I feel is deceiving me.
Searching.
He is searching me as I search for Him.
Confusion & chaos ensue me as I walk this unstable, unsteady, unrooted ground. Yet in all of it, I am still CHOSEN.
Uprooted I search for the places where He should have my feet to walk. Like the hinds feet of a deer, I am planted firm in the heights though illusions should have me think I am forsaken. Psalm 18:33 “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights”
As God continues to do good work in me my humanness is exposed & new levels of trust come to the surface. Courage requires vulnerability and these uncomfortable places create gaps that only God can fill. In my own strength, I try and scale the walls I’ve not to tread yet my ego convinces me I should be further than this. Who am I here? What am I supposed to do? Usually, the script is written for me, who I should be, how I should act, and what I should say. Yet here I am, in this place to face my past so I can live the unscripted version God wants the world to see. Can they handle who I am, this is not up to me to decide, this unstable ground is playing havoc with the truths of my past & present. Yet I stand, griping my destiny with my teeth, I hold tight.
We are all one thought, action, and choice away from completely losing the life we built & tried to protect. In new places, times & spaces I walk the heights. I don’t know how I will come out unscathed, yet “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way clear.” (Psalm 18) My thoughts and feelings have become traitors & my past the lead agitator. It is within myself I wrestle, screaming for the truth. Standing at this height I can not be trusted, yet God in all his glory is strengthing me. “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore you, strengthen you and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
What I am left with is this, who told you?
Who told you, you couldn’t?
Who told you, you weren’t?
Who told you, it wasn’t supposed to be?
Who told you that where you are right now is not where God wanted you to be?
Broken. Crushed in spirit I cry for help, & He hears me.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit .” Psalm 34:17-18
Willfully broken I will climb to new heights, not because of me but of HIM who lives in me. The one who knows where I should be requires that I continue to take the steps, handing over my outdated tools and exchanging them for ones that serve in the season I am in. It is for this season I was created, blessed, and highly favored. In this season I will be strengthened, and my back will be strong for the journey. I can’t look at the distance, only to God who will equip me for the task ahead.
Be encouraged…
Real Mom of 5 