Unsteady

At times when I reflect on my life it’s like playing with the pin of a grenade, I know it’s dangerous yet I pull out memories that cause explosions I’m not sure I can contain. As I stare at a picture of my siblings and me, I am transported to moments when nothing seemed real and if I’m not careful I feel I could get lost. It’s possible to forgive others and heal & be triggered when you’re forced back into old places, times & spaces. Can I go back and reopen all the wounds to find the good memories? One day, I hope. Right now I want to allow myself to continue healing as I take steps toward my destiny.

Too late.

The sad eyes and the smiling face pull me back, it’s as if I was there in real-time. I see myself as a child when I would imagine my life was a movie, where I believed there was a hidden camera filming my day-to-day. Even when the news was on, I imagined the people inside the TV could see what was happening in my reality show and they were doing nothing to stop the madness in the four walls. When I was by myself I would scream at the characters playing on the screen, Can’t you see what’s happening?? I looked around waiting to hear, “cut or that’s a wrap”, only silence. The more time went on I began to realize, it was my life. Once I could tell the difference I kept up the act, I smiled, played the role, was obedient, and never rocked the boat but inside who I was created to be, was slowly dying.

The conflict I had within myself was this, as I went through life, the version of myself that fit for one season did not work for the new cast & crew. It was always me that needed to change, the bar kept raising & I realized who I was created to be would never good enough for anyone around me but God. I think parts of me resented Him for creating me this way, for allowing my life to continue, I resented my life, I resented everything. I recently moved my family from my comfortable stable life into the unknown and it scares the shit out of me. The unstable ground I am walking on feels familiar. I am being asked to put on a smile, be obedient, play my role, and God forbid I rock the boat. This time, however, I am not a child who requires accolades. I am a Forty-something that knows reality from imagination and I no longer feel the need to conform.

As life is ever-changing before me, God asks me to continue walking even though I feel unsteady. “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” Proverbs 4

I question, How?

Not to be defiant or question his plan for my life, I don’t know how.

The variables in my current life situation are many, my whole identity was uprooted & now being challenged. When you’ve lived the majority of your life never taking root and finally find a place to call home, it’s peaceful. I love all the places God has healed & where he is taking me yet I’m afraid. I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life. Could it be that I am so close to where He wants me that frightens me the most? Could it be the peace I want to go back to is an illusion to cause a distraction so great it disrupts all my members but the spirit?

I’m unable to see and what I feel is deceiving me.

Searching.

He is searching me as I search for Him.

Confusion & chaos ensue me as I walk this unstable, unsteady, unrooted ground. Yet in all of it, I am still CHOSEN.

Uprooted I search for the places where He should have my feet to walk. Like the hinds feet of a deer, I am planted firm in the heights though illusions should have me think I am forsaken. Psalm 18:33 “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights”

As God continues to do good work in me my humanness is exposed & new levels of trust come to the surface. Courage requires vulnerability and these uncomfortable places create gaps that only God can fill. In my own strength, I try and scale the walls I’ve not to tread yet my ego convinces me I should be further than this. Who am I here? What am I supposed to do? Usually, the script is written for me, who I should be, how I should act, and what I should say. Yet here I am, in this place to face my past so I can live the unscripted version God wants the world to see. Can they handle who I am, this is not up to me to decide, this unstable ground is playing havoc with the truths of my past & present. Yet I stand, griping my destiny with my teeth, I hold tight.

We are all one thought, action, and choice away from completely losing the life we built & tried to protect. In new places, times & spaces I walk the heights. I don’t know how I will come out unscathed, yet “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way clear.” (Psalm 18) My thoughts and feelings have become traitors & my past the lead agitator. It is within myself I wrestle, screaming for the truth. Standing at this height I can not be trusted, yet God in all his glory is strengthing me. “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore you, strengthen you and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)

What I am left with is this, who told you?

Who told you, you couldn’t?

Who told you, you weren’t?

Who told you, it wasn’t supposed to be?

Who told you that where you are right now is not where God wanted you to be?

Broken. Crushed in spirit I cry for help, & He hears me.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit .” Psalm 34:17-18

Willfully broken I will climb to new heights, not because of me but of HIM who lives in me. The one who knows where I should be requires that I continue to take the steps, handing over my outdated tools and exchanging them for ones that serve in the season I am in. It is for this season I was created, blessed, and highly favored. In this season I will be strengthened, and my back will be strong for the journey. I can’t look at the distance, only to God who will equip me for the task ahead.

Be encouraged…

I Briefly toiled

I know I’ve written on this topic before, through a different set of eyes & knowledge of Christ. The freedom & genuine love I’ve experienced in the past 4 years has been what my soul has craved since I was a little girl. Recently, however, I wrestled with the thought, “am I enough?”

I’ve died to myself, willingly surrendering my life to Christ & committing every day to put his plan for my life ahead of what I think it should be. I want to grow & learn, not just in the teachings I believe but in understanding why others believe as they do. In conversation with a family member about Apostolic traditions we were talking about several topics, each leading to more confusion. How would I dishonor God & my husband by not doing xy&z?

I had to examine myself.

The ask always seems more than I can bear, maybe I’m not enough? In my thinking, I reasoned, how can God bring me from such despair to these corrections?

It all appeared meaningless.

Briefly, I toiled.

Maybe I’ve walked away from a life I could have only dreamed about as a child to wrestle with these words that have brought death to my dreams.

Maybe I will continually struggle to submit to this lifestyle I question, never fully grasping the meanings God intended in the scriptures. Deep feelings of inadequacy flood the front of my mind as I come back to this notion, “will I ever be enough?”

Briefly…

My innermost parts groaned at the idea, spiraling down I could feel the heaviness as this familiar thought tried to penetrate my understanding of truth. Of course, it was only for a moment yet the thought pierced my soul and my heart ached at the idea. I wondered if God’s heart ached a little too. I imagined Him saying, take that thought captive, does it align with what you know is true?

Briefly, I had forgotten, I AM ENOUGH.

Although I’ve asked God to stretch, teach & guide me at times my flesh wants to tap out. Feeling the pressure of the load seems like more than I can brave, yet I will continue to walk in a way that is pleasing to God. It’s easy to feel judged or inadequate when attending a holiness church. There are so many practices in the doctrine I don’t believe but I want to understand.

I have attended church online with TD Jakes since 2018, God did great work in me, just Him & me. I couldn’t imagine I would come face to face with myself as my own thinking has always been my arch-enemy. Yet His lovingkindness is better than life, I will offer praises to HIM in my weakness. I was brought to this moment for a reason, God’s timing & plan for my life is perfect. As he paves the way I will do the work necessary as He convicts me.

Sometimes the ask DOES feel like more than you can bear, but bear it anyway!

I feel like I am all over the place with this writing, yet right where I need to be. When I can write freely I imagine it will all make sense to you those who read my posts. In the end, it is the battle in our own thinking that provokes feelings of inadequacy. My understanding of Apostolic teachings is rooted in past negative experiences. I can not measure where I am right now to the past, I’m simply not the same person.

We are more often closer to our destiny yet give up because we don’t know how to handle the places HE takes us. Lean on Him in your ignorance, trust & submit to Him fully, and He will guide you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

When wisdom enters your heart,
And knowledge is pleasant to your soul,
Discretion will preserve you;
Understanding will keep you,
To deliver you from the way of evil…

Proverbs 2:10-12

Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.

Psalm 119:34

Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.

Psalm 63:3

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

Psalm 51:12

Shimmers of hope

Inspiration can be found in odd places, or the most obvious depending on your perspective. In the depths of despair, one can choose to look hard for shimmers of hope or continue to glare into the darkness. Christmas time is always a reminder of tragedy and over the years I’ve wanted to cling more to my traditions instead of sitting in sadness or going in debt for gifts that end up broken or unwanted. We’ve all been on the other end of receiving something we have no use for, but appreciated the thought. I’ve also sat with my sorrow, skipping the things I love to cry in bed all day wishing life wasn’t so painful.

I want to leave meaningful memories for my family, ones that will inspire my children to create traditions of their own or continue ones that have been past down. I don’t want to think of Christmas time as the month that my youngest son was diagnosed with cancer, and paralyzed, or the month when my oldest brother said farewell to the world, or in this very moment thinking that my mom won’t make it to the new year. I want to think of this time of year as the month hope was birthed, the way it was intended.

This year, my shimmer of hope came in the form of a dream. I’m was standing in my brothers antique store, I don’t ever see him, but I can feel his presence. I’m sure that he would have been behind the tall glass display case where his cash register sat, his fingers busy from ringing up customers. As I greet our patrons I look up to see an old friend in the distance, walking down the busy sidewalk. Trying to navigate my way through the crowd of people to say hi, I had the sudden urge to scream his name for fear of missing the opportunity to catch up. I hollered, Brady, wait! It seemed as though the more I tried to bust through the hustle & bustle of the store, I kept ending up in the same spot. Brady turns his head towards the sound of my voice, looks at me with a smile so bright I was forced to stop. As I stood at the back of the store on the other side of the window, our eyes connected. I could feel his thoughts in my heart as though they were audible. He was so proud of all I had done, and was grateful that I was continuing on my path. I had so much to say, but somehow he already knew. I didn’t want to leave that moment, the place and people that always gave me comfort and peace to get through life’s storms were packaged in that moment. As he motioned to walk away, I see him nodding and smiling as if to say, well done kid. As he disappears in to the congested sidewalk of local window shoppers, the shimmer of hope began to fade. I took hold of it as if to put it in my pocket and save for when it was needed again.

This dream came at the most perfect season, I woke up joyful during a time where I would rather not face the emotions that come during the month of December. Brady was my mentor and helped me accomplish one of the biggest projects of my life. He passed away shortly after my brother. When I thought about what them being together in my dream symbolized, I gathered they are both in heaven, watching down on our families.

I believe the situations that cause us great pain can alter the way we see the world. I will continue to take the shimmers of hope and turn them into blessing. I will walk towards the people who are hurting and be that shimmer for them.

Can you imagine if we used the debilitating pain in our hearts to figure out a way to overcome?  As we share our ideas we help others and in the process we heal our own wounds.

Should that be what we strive for? Walking through the hard places, not only to find our own relief but to help the ones who come behind us?

That is my heart for humanity.

I want to be a lighthouse, offering help to those in dark places. Being an example of healing and living a life of freedom. Not free from tragedy, as life happens, rather freedom from the prison of our own minds. We have the tendency to dwell on the lack, missing the beauty that is present and the hearts that beat around us.

What will you choose to do with the pain of tragedy?

“Generous persons will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” Proverbs 11:25

The Underdog…

STOP GIVING UP SO CLOSE TO THE FINISH LINE! Yes, all caps were necessary and my hope is to motivate you to reach your full potential. A lot of times we give up for lack of understanding and somehow we convince ourselves it’s easier to quit than push through a few more steps. My blog has changed so much over the years, from a mom surviving summer vacation & advocacy to offering encouragement to anyone who will take the time to read. The message I share has been pretty consistent as my handful of faithful subscribers will attest. My ideas have evolved and it’s been through life experience, exposure to outside thinking (books, blogs, podcast etc.) and surrounding myself with people who are passionate about personal growth. I may have written about my past not having control over me but I’m not sure that I was being 100% honest with myself. Let me explain; there has always been this one piece of my history that I talked about casually but never revealed how life-altering it truly was. When you suppress memories for so long, sometimes you don’t know the depth of the wound.

A few weeks ago I spent some time intermittently writing about my experience as a teen runaway. It was after my last blog post that I realized I had been dodging this part of my story. I want to be transparent so when the time came for me to write about the details of that night, I took a step back. When I thought about it more, I realized that every time I sat down to write this part, I would stop. Have you ever been so comfortable with dysfunction that it feels normal? In victory or defeat, this particular giant has been by my side like a faithful friend. The only caveat was that instead of building me up, I was being torn down. I knew I needed to get down and dirty and face this beast. I like to write at a local coffee shop, I was so deep in thought that at this point I didn’t care about my surroundings. I began to visualize myself as the underdog in a boxing movie, I know, surprise, surprise. If you don’t know, Sylvester Stallone’s Character Rocky has motivated me through some difficult times. I refer to his quotes in conversation like he was a real person. I say things like, “this is like that one time when Rocky fought the Russian”. In life, I root for the underdog, I guess because I can relate. I can see the passion and the grit and know that guy/girl would rather die than give up. I am drawn to people like that, and love to be the one to look them in the face and say, YES YOU CAN! I know the feeling of having big ideas and someone looking at you like, what do you know? Believe it or not, it gives me fuel to continue when someone doubts my abilities. In my experience, when God guides my steps I know I will finish as long as my focus is on Him.

By this point I was face to face with my past and as always I was hit with a low blow. In the last 6 months or so I have tried to face those awful memories but always took a step back. I’ve experienced so much freedom from other things and I recognized that the comfort of suppressing this memory was preventing me from finishing my book. Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”. Well, I know better! This was the fight of my life and all the other victories and defeats were preparing me for this day. I’m not upset that it has taken me so long to realize this, I’m proud of myself for not giving up. Was it hard? Hell yeah! Going back in time, reliving moments of pain, looking at my failures, realizing the hurt I caused, it was not fun.

This thing of my past no longer stood as tall as it had throughout the years, or maybe I just wasn’t afraid anymore. I watched as my story unfolded, my life on display and it was on my terms that it was being exposed. My heart hurt for that girl, I understood that it was me but I no longer felt victimized, shamed or guilty for experiencing the life I lived. I squared up to my past, and with a one, two punch I watched as this giant crumbled. Out of curiosity, I had to unmask this beast and take a look at my tormentor. As I got closer there was something familiar and I quickly realized that the giant I battled with all these years was myself. I was the one that held me back, allowing the memories to paralyze me and prevent my growth. Yes, people hurt me and horrible things happened, but I was the one that held on to the why’s.

I’m going to put this out there for anyone who has a past to face. It may seem like a step backward and chaos may erupt right before your eyes but keep pressing forward. The freedom you receive is far better than the life long chains that hold you back. I never thought there would be a day that I had the courage to face this piece of my life with such boldness, but I did. The temporary discomfort is worth it! To see a giant that has been taunting me my entire adult life shrink down to nothing is by far the best feeling in the world. I have been working towards this day and it took as long as it was supposed to. You may never know that you have something to work on until you dig.

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The Purpose of a man’s heart are in deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

I’m excited for my purpose and thankful that God is using my junk to help heal others. You may be tired but I promise, the breakthrough you are needing is just around the corner. Keep digging, keep growing, keep killing those giants.

On another note, if you need to talk to a counselor to help you face these giants, do it! I have been on my own personal journey and I talk to people as I need. We all deal differently so remember not to compare how you deal with your journey with anyone else. If you are local, I would love to meet for coffee, if you are not drop me message and let’s chat.