The Underdog…

STOP GIVING UP SO CLOSE TO THE FINISH LINE! Yes, all caps were necessary and my hope is to motivate you to reach your full potential. A lot of times we give up for lack of understanding and somehow we convince ourselves it’s easier to quit than push through a few more steps. My blog has changed so much over the years, from a mom surviving summer vacation & advocacy to offering encouragement to anyone who will take the time to read. The message I share has been pretty consistent as my handful of faithful subscribers will attest. My ideas have evolved and it’s been through life experience, exposure to outside thinking (books, blogs, podcast etc.) and surrounding myself with people who are passionate about personal growth. I may have written about my past not having control over me but I’m not sure that I was being 100% honest with myself. Let me explain; there has always been this one piece of my history that I talked about casually but never revealed how life-altering it truly was. When you suppress memories for so long, sometimes you don’t know the depth of the wound.

A few weeks ago I spent some time intermittently writing about my experience as a teen runaway. It was after my last blog post that I realized I had been dodging this part of my story. I want to be transparent so when the time came for me to write about the details of that night, I took a step back. When I thought about it more, I realized that every time I sat down to write this part, I would stop. Have you ever been so comfortable with dysfunction that it feels normal? In victory or defeat, this particular giant has been by my side like a faithful friend. The only caveat was that instead of building me up, I was being torn down. I knew I needed to get down and dirty and face this beast. I like to write at a local coffee shop, I was so deep in thought that at this point I didn’t care about my surroundings. I began to visualize myself as the underdog in a boxing movie, I know, surprise, surprise. If you don’t know, Sylvester Stallone’s Character Rocky has motivated me through some difficult times. I refer to his quotes in conversation like he was a real person. I say things like, “this is like that one time when Rocky fought the Russian”. In life, I root for the underdog, I guess because I can relate. I can see the passion and the grit and know that guy/girl would rather die than give up. I am drawn to people like that, and love to be the one to look them in the face and say, YES YOU CAN! I know the feeling of having big ideas and someone looking at you like, what do you know? Believe it or not, it gives me fuel to continue when someone doubts my abilities. In my experience, when God guides my steps I know I will finish as long as my focus is on Him.

By this point I was face to face with my past and as always I was hit with a low blow. In the last 6 months or so I have tried to face those awful memories but always took a step back. I’ve experienced so much freedom from other things and I recognized that the comfort of suppressing this memory was preventing me from finishing my book. Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”. Well, I know better! This was the fight of my life and all the other victories and defeats were preparing me for this day. I’m not upset that it has taken me so long to realize this, I’m proud of myself for not giving up. Was it hard? Hell yeah! Going back in time, reliving moments of pain, looking at my failures, realizing the hurt I caused, it was not fun.

This thing of my past no longer stood as tall as it had throughout the years, or maybe I just wasn’t afraid anymore. I watched as my story unfolded, my life on display and it was on my terms that it was being exposed. My heart hurt for that girl, I understood that it was me but I no longer felt victimized, shamed or guilty for experiencing the life I lived. I squared up to my past, and with a one, two punch I watched as this giant crumbled. Out of curiosity, I had to unmask this beast and take a look at my tormentor. As I got closer there was something familiar and I quickly realized that the giant I battled with all these years was myself. I was the one that held me back, allowing the memories to paralyze me and prevent my growth. Yes, people hurt me and horrible things happened, but I was the one that held on to the why’s.

I’m going to put this out there for anyone who has a past to face. It may seem like a step backward and chaos may erupt right before your eyes but keep pressing forward. The freedom you receive is far better than the life long chains that hold you back. I never thought there would be a day that I had the courage to face this piece of my life with such boldness, but I did. The temporary discomfort is worth it! To see a giant that has been taunting me my entire adult life shrink down to nothing is by far the best feeling in the world. I have been working towards this day and it took as long as it was supposed to. You may never know that you have something to work on until you dig.

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The Purpose of a man’s heart are in deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

I’m excited for my purpose and thankful that God is using my junk to help heal others. You may be tired but I promise, the breakthrough you are needing is just around the corner. Keep digging, keep growing, keep killing those giants.

On another note, if you need to talk to a counselor to help you face these giants, do it! I have been on my own personal journey and I talk to people as I need. We all deal differently so remember not to compare how you deal with your journey with anyone else. If you are local, I would love to meet for coffee, if you are not drop me message and let’s chat.

Things your mom may not have told you…

I have been trying to publish this blog for a few days now, and I know the message needs to be shared but I really want to make sure that whoever reads it knows that I know what it is to be down. The kind of down where your mind goes to dark places and you think the world would be better off without you in it, down. I have found what works for me and I wake up every day excited about life, not saying my life is perfect, but it’s definitely perfect for me. The things that helped me may seem stupid to some but I was desperate for a change and I did what I thought was stupid because someone else said it worked for them. If you’ve never been down but know someone, continue reading, if you are currently down, continue reading. This message was put on my heart and I will not stop sharing the hope I have because it feels amazing to have been given a second chance at this thing we call life.

I share my experiences, not for anyone to feel sorry for me, but so others may have hope. I am a mom who has struggled with self-worth, depression and so many other things that have held me from my full potential. I am here today on the other side, living my best life. I’m not saying I don’t have bad days, I am human and in my humanness, there are times that it takes a minute to find perspective. I’ve made it a point to look for the good in my life and I wake up with the intent to have less bad days by focusing on the things I can control. My struggle equals your gain because had I had known I probably would have no hope to share.

This message is for all the mama’s and daddy’s out there who are struggling to find your spot in the world. You wake up and the endless laundry and house cleaning have you questioning, is this all I am made for? Some of you may find yourself at a crossroad in life, the transition point of who you were and who you want to be. The more you try, the more the voices of the past creep back and you find yourself in a familiar spot, paralyzed by, “if they only knew”. Yet some may remember the things you once hoped and dreamt about, they feel so far away so you tuck them in the corner of your mind, saying one day I will do this or that. You look around at everyone’s “perfect” life and think, God, must’ve skipped my house because it seems like I will never get it together. Come on, I can’t be the only one who thought that way??

I want you to know that each one of us was born with a purpose, everyone has a gift and talent to offer the world. It’s up to us to search, dig and share that purpose but it doesn’t come easy. The times I felt most inadequate were when my eyes were on someone else’s path, goals or purpose. So and so has it all together, why can’t I be like so and so? The truth is, when you’re focused on what others are doing you miss the opportunities that are in front of you. When I was a stay at home mom I struggled to find purpose in what I thought was an insignificant life. I honestly didn’t realize that the choices I was making and who I was becoming made a difference. The part of motherhood I wanted to rush, I am wishing I had back. If I knew the things I know now, I don’t think I would have been so frustrated. My kids were and are amazing, but my expectations of what I thought life should be held me back from living in the moment. I was raising my kids during a time when the average mom was just granted 24-hour access to a website that gave instant updates into the lives of other people. At any time of the day new information was being shared and for some mom’s this was the only interaction we had with other adults. People would post what they were doing, the vacations, their beautiful relationship with Christ, the perfect marriages, the friends, the purpose, the cause and here I am struggling to get out of bed.

I had so much going on and when I packaged that with comparing my life to others, I just couldn’t measure up! I want to tell you that no one has life figured out, and I wish people had the courage, to be honest. We are all deciding to do a set thing that leads us to our next choice. The person that continues to make choices and accomplishes predetermined goals is the person that succeeds. Success isn’t measured by the things you have or the place you go, it’s finishing something you start! No one is immune to the sting of life, bad things happen all the time to great people. It’s the choices you make with the things that happen that will determine your destiny. It seems so simple right, this choices thing? Choices are yours, so at the end of the day when you’re not satisfied with the choices you made, you have more choices. Do I do the same thing as yesterday or do I make the choice to do something different? Blaming others for where you are and making excuses as to why you can’t do this or that IS a CHOICE. It’s this vicious cycle and before we know it you are sitting in a pile of laundry crying out to God for help because this can’t be it! That was me, I can see the day so clear and the concerned look on my husbands face as he came back into the house for something he forgot.

Here is the truth, making choices when my life was falling apart was super hard, but my choice was to do nothing. When things seemed like they were out of my control and I had legitimate reasons to be angry and I chose to let the anger consume me. IT. WAS. STILL. MY. CHOICE. No one can make me feel a certain way and it’s the same for you. I had several moments in my life when I thought I had figured this out but it wasn’t until about a year ago that I fully grasp the concept of choices and taking responsibility for where I was. I think the hardest pill I ever had to swallow was reading the words, “happiness is a choice”. When I got really honest with myself and stopped making excuses I was able to truly start living. I was stripped down to nothing, unapologetic because it felt good to rid myself of a load I wasn’t meant to carry. It was the lightest I felt in my entire life and I was able to look at myself again and see hope.

When I was stripped, I had to start over because my thinking & attitude towards life sucked. I used to think that starting over was a sign of failure, now looking back I was just learning lessons. Some I kept relearning because I refused to let go of the painful things in my life. I kept picking them back up, wondering why the wound was getting deeper. I realized I was putting temporary fixes on a heart that needed complete healing. God couldn’t save me from my choices, and I never wanted to feel the sting of life so I kept hiding and played my staring role as victim. Girl, victim doesn’t look good on anyone and it damn sure didn’t look good on me.

My life looks a little different now, I have a new role as a businesswoman, I’m in charge of my life and I’m working on building my business, finishing my book, inspiring people all while raising my family. I made it this far by making the choice to get up every day and do what I needed to accomplish the goals I set before myself. I still have the same amount of hours but as the year’s pass I see my kids growing, start new adventures and make choices of their own. Our family routine looks different as well and it took some adjustment, working together, communicating and asking for help. I started over a few times since getting my real estate license. There were times that I wanted to throw in the towel but I set my mind to complete a task and I am determined to finish.

Here are the things that helped me, it’s going to sound so stupid but they helped. Remember, it wasn’t overnight either. I made a commitment to myself to get up 15 minutes earlier than the rest of the house and over time it became 2 hours. Baby steps are important and I’m not saying you need 2 hours to get ready for the day, I just had goals I wanted to accomplish and I couldn’t do them during work hours or my family time. I also have to say that I used to get super annoyed by people who would write, 5 things to happiness or whatever catchphrase that got someone’s attention. I’m just going to say these are the things your Mom may not have told you…

1. Listen to something positive first thing in the morning-This helped me set my mind for the day, there is so much junk in the world that it’s easy to lose focus. Eventually, this verse helped me Ephesians 6:10-18. I said eventually because at the time I had zero belief in God, I remembered it from when I was a kid and as I was being stripped, this verse was able to penetrate my heart. Every day I made choices to be better than I was the day before.

2. Write down your goals-It feels great to accomplish a goal, especially when you feel not a lot is going right. There were things I wrote down that I tucked in the corner of my mind and seeing it on paper got me excited!

3. Write down your fears, then rewrote the opposite-acknowledging your fears and erasing the negative from your mind gives you courage in my opinion. I was afraid to write my book for several reasons but I got the courage to move forward because I no longer cared about the opinions of other people.

4. Write down your gratitudes-It’s really hard to be sad, mad or ungrateful when you are constantly reminding yourself to be thankful.

5. Write down your affirmations- When the world says you are this or that, you have fresh reminders of the truth every day.

This blog is all over the place but the message I hope you walk away with is you ultimately have control over the direction of your life. Making the choice not to do something is still a choice. Allowing another person’s opinion of you affect how you feel is a choice. Not getting out of bed because you feel like a failure is a choice. Stop making excuses, decide to make small changes and over time the small changes will lead to lasting changes. If you fail, get back up. It’s the amount of time that you stay down that determines how much work you will have to put in rebuilding your mindset.

I will expand more in my book that is getting so much closer to be completed, but if you have specific questions I would love to answer them for you. You can message me here or send me an email monapinon5@gmail.com

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, I hope that you will be encouraged!

Books I read

The Seven Decisions

The Travelers Gift

The Noticer

By Andy Andrews

People who inspire me:

Sylvester Stallone

Brady Adams

Myles Monroe

Les Brown

TD Jakes

Earl Nightinggale-The strangest secret in the world