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Category: depression
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Hanging up my harp
“How can we sing the songs of the Lord while in a foreign land? For the Israelites, clinging to the memory of Jerusalem was all that was left, the good, the bad & the ugly. They hung up their harps in what seemed to be a protest as their captures demanded songs of joy(Psalm 137).
They wept instead.
By the rivers of Babylon, they wept.
I could feel the heaviness in this Psalm as I face my own captivity while remembering the places of prosperity, hope, despair & pain. The ease of my daily activities has slipped from my hands as I gaze at my promise while hanging up my harp. I ask the same question, how can I sing in this foreign land?
Heavy, so heavy. In the pit but not as deep, I question my position. I can’t be here, I can not forget my own Jerusalem. As I open my mouth to sing I am restrained by my surroundings, with nothing to grasp to I panic, as the promise fades.
I weep.
In this pit of despair, I weep.
Although the things I am facing are hard, my mind wants to create a pit for me as comfort. If I can escape the reality of my life I don’t have to face my deep feelings of sadness, I can hang up my harp, sit in disobedience, and have fellowship with the things that torment me. My hope is through sharing my raw feelings of hopelessness I can bring awareness to the very real bondage of our minds. Having lived through some very dark times, my mind often finds comfort in the pit.
It’s easier for me to fall into my comforts rather than push through the magnitude of what I perceive as loss. The same force that caused me to fall could be what picks me up depending on my thoughts. Never in my life would I think I would be where I am at this very moment because my thoughts were always on the mountain(or in Jerusalem). But in this foreign land? The mountain seems so far away and the promise is but a flicker. The snowball continues as I sit back and let the enemy rob me of joy and the testimony of God’s goodness.
That’s until I read Psalm 138
Summarized “I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart(1)…may they sing of the ways of the Lord, for the glory of the Lord is great(5)…Though I was in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life…with your right hand, you save me(7).”
The scriptures are so important to read, not only on the mountaintop but in the valley where our character & endurance are tested and we are to put into practice the things we learned up until this point. Hope in the valley is trusting the promise that was received on the mountain. God, give me the endurance to continue on my journey as I cling to hope and my promise. Clear my mind and align my thought with yours, to the God “who leads his people through the wilderness(psalm 136:16)” and remembers us in our “low estate(23)”. I WILL “give thanks to the God of the heavens, His love endures forever!(26)”
How can I sing the songs of the Lord while in a foreign Land?
I sing to break the chains of the enemy, as I lift the Lord on high & give thanks he will strengthen & equip me for the journey. As the pain flows, in my deep despair He is binding my wounds through every song of praise I choose. Let me never forget the places you brought me from, let me never forget your love in this valley. Help me to remember your promises as I seek your face in this dry land. If I forget, “may my right hand forget its skill. May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you, if I do not consider Jerusalem my highest joy. (Psalm 137:5-6)”
At the end of the day, it’s a choice!
Growing up with a parent who struggled with mental illness and battling my own depression, I say this with love. I know it’s hard, but the choice to stay down is up to you.
Have your moment where you hang up your harp because the fact you didn’t send it down the river means you have a shimmer of hope. That is all that is needed to get to the other side.
This is but a season, don’t let the temporary captivity be the reality you speak.
Let’s get through this together!
Y’all know about the devastation of Isaac’s cancer & paralysis so I won’t go over those horrific details again. What you might not know is how financially strapped we really were. Social norms dissuade us from sharing our financial situations, after all it’s a “private matter.” Who wants to publicly announce they are having financial issues, anyway?
NO ONE!
The aftermath of having a child with cancer is likened to a tornado that has ransacked an entire town with only a remnant of once was. You are left to pick up all the rubble alone as those who helped carry you thus far believe the hard work is done. There are organizations & resources a mile long during treatment, yet the clean up crew in the end is just you. Our entire savings was spent trying to escape the memories of the physical location where Isaac was diagnosed. Our country as a whole was experiencing financial hardship but for us the load seemed extra heavy.
I was inspired to share my thoughts on our finances after re-reading Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod. I no longer feel shame for this particular situation or care if anyone judges where we were. My hope is that others are liberated & choose to overcome their circumstances by taking action as well.
You may be thinking, why the picture of the food bank card above?
Keep reading…
Cancer was not in our life plan, but I made a decision long ago that I would live life as if it was. When we first moved to Oregon I was dealing with extreme depression from the aftermath & my near death experience after childbirth. There was something that changed me on the inside when I began to think about someone else’s pain. After visiting the school Isaac would be attending I noticed the playground wasn’t wheelchair accessible. I began a quest after visualizing Isaac and kids like him watching their peers play. The thought of him sitting on the sidelines propelled me to act like a different person. What I wanted to do didn’t match my background, anything around me or anything I had done.
One foot in front of the other I began sharing my idea, each time I was rejected it was like fuel to find the people who wanted to help. That wasn’t always the case, I remember one day sitting in my car crying my eyes out because it felt like the dial wasn’t moving. In that moment the rejection was so thick I could hardly get a grip on myself. It didn’t help that our finances at the time was barley enough for our young family of seven. During winter months it was worse & I found myself in one of 2 food bank lines to supplement. It was the most humbling experiences, serving others and being served. All of a sudden a idea popped in my head, I thought, the more I sit here and cry, I’m missing out on opportunities to find the people who would want to help. The shame from needing help disappeared (not permanently, that’s another blog post),I became relentless, taking down anything in my path that didn’t match what I was trying to accomplish.
The aftermath of my purpose lead me to that particular time, and sits with me now as I share these words with you. The remnant of my purpose is to share hope from those dark places. I want to be on the clean up crew of your aftermath, helping pick up the peices by showing what the other side looks like with conscious effort to change. Realizing if there were no tragedy to gain clarity we would have no hope to share to others. All the set-backs & struggles prepared me for the Blue Slide Project and this moment. The hard places where I felt alone or rejected, were grips I held on to as I fell with each set back helping me climb back up. Finding meaning for my life by helping others changed my mind about humanity, what our minds are capable of, & what is possible.
You know the rest of the story, my community rallied behind me & in 4 months we raise $53k for the first phase & a year or so later raised another $100k. Building Grants Pass & Josephine County’s only wheelchair accessible playground.
If I can stand in a food bank line, while organizing events and bringing people together to build a playground with my background & struggling with depression. You, my friend can do anything you can hope or imagine. Mindset visualization, affirming & showing gratitude for how far you’ve come gives power to your dreams.
Find your purpose in the aftermath!
I’d love to hear from you, comment & share your story we can do this together.
Mona:)
If you talk to me for any length of time, gratitude is a topic I often bring up. Living with depression, I never want to forget the deep pit of hopelessness & despair or how long it took me to climb out. Since reading the Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews, I realize that happiness is in fact a choice. When I’m faced with choosing how I feel, I always want to choose gratitude and look for the silver lining in every situation. I know that won’t always be the case, it’s easy to choose joy when life is going your way & the sun is shining. What happens when tragedy strikes or you’re hit with the unexpected? Choosing gratitude is challenging. Then there’s grief, when grief and gratitude wrestle, the heart leaps and breaks simultaneously. I have gratitude for restoration, yet broken after losing what was just found.
As the clock ticks, I am waiting for the “phone call”, fighting thoughts & holding my breath. The most valuable commodity we have is time, we can not reuse it but we can count on 24 hours each day until we expire. At the same time, it’s not something that is guaranteed and once it’s spent, it can not be taken back. If we don’t understand the value of time we foolishly waste it on things like bitterness, resentment, jealousy, unforgiveness, or waiting.
Most recently my mind became so overwhelmed with a feeling of loss that I was flirting with the dark places instead of acknowledging my grief. Last night my anguish was so thick, I climbed in bed and cried myself to sleep. I suddenly woke up, I felt something deep within scream, get up! Choose joy, choose to cherish the moment you have now. Why are you so concerned with the amount of time you have left? Get up and live!
The dark feeling of depression will always want to make an appearance, pushing grief to the side without ever being acknowledged.
Don’t mistake the two.
Grief is meant to be felt, it’s ok to feel sadness or want things to be different.
Staying in sadness is a choice!
Choosing to stay in sadness gives root to depression and once depression has roots, each day becomes heavier than the day before. Finding the strength to climb out of the pit of hopelessness and despair is painful but not impossible.
Wrestle with your grief, feel the pain, put one foot in front of the other, do what must be done to get to the other side. Some tragedies are harder than others to weather alone, you must keep on keepin’ on. Get up and live!
Choose gratitude, gratitude always wins!
I have been trying to publish this blog for a few days now, and I know the message needs to be shared but I really want to make sure that whoever reads it knows that I know what it is to be down. The kind of down where your mind goes to dark places and you think the world would be better off without you in it, down. I have found what works for me and I wake up every day excited about life, not saying my life is perfect, but it’s definitely perfect for me. The things that helped me may seem stupid to some but I was desperate for a change and I did what I thought was stupid because someone else said it worked for them. If you’ve never been down but know someone, continue reading, if you are currently down, continue reading. This message was put on my heart and I will not stop sharing the hope I have because it feels amazing to have been given a second chance at this thing we call life.
I share my experiences, not for anyone to feel sorry for me, but so others may have hope. I am a mom who has struggled with self-worth, depression and so many other things that have held me from my full potential. I am here today on the other side, living my best life. I’m not saying I don’t have bad days, I am human and in my humanness, there are times that it takes a minute to find perspective. I’ve made it a point to look for the good in my life and I wake up with the intent to have less bad days by focusing on the things I can control. My struggle equals your gain because had I had known I probably would have no hope to share.
This message is for all the mama’s and daddy’s out there who are struggling to find your spot in the world. You wake up and the endless laundry and house cleaning have you questioning, is this all I am made for? Some of you may find yourself at a crossroad in life, the transition point of who you were and who you want to be. The more you try, the more the voices of the past creep back and you find yourself in a familiar spot, paralyzed by, “if they only knew”. Yet some may remember the things you once hoped and dreamt about, they feel so far away so you tuck them in the corner of your mind, saying one day I will do this or that. You look around at everyone’s “perfect” life and think, God, must’ve skipped my house because it seems like I will never get it together. Come on, I can’t be the only one who thought that way??
I want you to know that each one of us was born with a purpose, everyone has a gift and talent to offer the world. It’s up to us to search, dig and share that purpose but it doesn’t come easy. The times I felt most inadequate were when my eyes were on someone else’s path, goals or purpose. So and so has it all together, why can’t I be like so and so? The truth is, when you’re focused on what others are doing you miss the opportunities that are in front of you. When I was a stay at home mom I struggled to find purpose in what I thought was an insignificant life. I honestly didn’t realize that the choices I was making and who I was becoming made a difference. The part of motherhood I wanted to rush, I am wishing I had back. If I knew the things I know now, I don’t think I would have been so frustrated. My kids were and are amazing, but my expectations of what I thought life should be held me back from living in the moment. I was raising my kids during a time when the average mom was just granted 24-hour access to a website that gave instant updates into the lives of other people. At any time of the day new information was being shared and for some mom’s this was the only interaction we had with other adults. People would post what they were doing, the vacations, their beautiful relationship with Christ, the perfect marriages, the friends, the purpose, the cause and here I am struggling to get out of bed.
I had so much going on and when I packaged that with comparing my life to others, I just couldn’t measure up! I want to tell you that no one has life figured out, and I wish people had the courage, to be honest. We are all deciding to do a set thing that leads us to our next choice. The person that continues to make choices and accomplishes predetermined goals is the person that succeeds. Success isn’t measured by the things you have or the place you go, it’s finishing something you start! No one is immune to the sting of life, bad things happen all the time to great people. It’s the choices you make with the things that happen that will determine your destiny. It seems so simple right, this choices thing? Choices are yours, so at the end of the day when you’re not satisfied with the choices you made, you have more choices. Do I do the same thing as yesterday or do I make the choice to do something different? Blaming others for where you are and making excuses as to why you can’t do this or that IS a CHOICE. It’s this vicious cycle and before we know it you are sitting in a pile of laundry crying out to God for help because this can’t be it! That was me, I can see the day so clear and the concerned look on my husbands face as he came back into the house for something he forgot.
Here is the truth, making choices when my life was falling apart was super hard, but my choice was to do nothing. When things seemed like they were out of my control and I had legitimate reasons to be angry and I chose to let the anger consume me. IT. WAS. STILL. MY. CHOICE. No one can make me feel a certain way and it’s the same for you. I had several moments in my life when I thought I had figured this out but it wasn’t until about a year ago that I fully grasp the concept of choices and taking responsibility for where I was. I think the hardest pill I ever had to swallow was reading the words, “happiness is a choice”. When I got really honest with myself and stopped making excuses I was able to truly start living. I was stripped down to nothing, unapologetic because it felt good to rid myself of a load I wasn’t meant to carry. It was the lightest I felt in my entire life and I was able to look at myself again and see hope.
When I was stripped, I had to start over because my thinking & attitude towards life sucked. I used to think that starting over was a sign of failure, now looking back I was just learning lessons. Some I kept relearning because I refused to let go of the painful things in my life. I kept picking them back up, wondering why the wound was getting deeper. I realized I was putting temporary fixes on a heart that needed complete healing. God couldn’t save me from my choices, and I never wanted to feel the sting of life so I kept hiding and played my staring role as victim. Girl, victim doesn’t look good on anyone and it damn sure didn’t look good on me.
My life looks a little different now, I have a new role as a businesswoman, I’m in charge of my life and I’m working on building my business, finishing my book, inspiring people all while raising my family. I made it this far by making the choice to get up every day and do what I needed to accomplish the goals I set before myself. I still have the same amount of hours but as the year’s pass I see my kids growing, start new adventures and make choices of their own. Our family routine looks different as well and it took some adjustment, working together, communicating and asking for help. I started over a few times since getting my real estate license. There were times that I wanted to throw in the towel but I set my mind to complete a task and I am determined to finish.
Here are the things that helped me, it’s going to sound so stupid but they helped. Remember, it wasn’t overnight either. I made a commitment to myself to get up 15 minutes earlier than the rest of the house and over time it became 2 hours. Baby steps are important and I’m not saying you need 2 hours to get ready for the day, I just had goals I wanted to accomplish and I couldn’t do them during work hours or my family time. I also have to say that I used to get super annoyed by people who would write, 5 things to happiness or whatever catchphrase that got someone’s attention. I’m just going to say these are the things your Mom may not have told you…
1. Listen to something positive first thing in the morning-This helped me set my mind for the day, there is so much junk in the world that it’s easy to lose focus. Eventually, this verse helped me Ephesians 6:10-18. I said eventually because at the time I had zero belief in God, I remembered it from when I was a kid and as I was being stripped, this verse was able to penetrate my heart. Every day I made choices to be better than I was the day before.
2. Write down your goals-It feels great to accomplish a goal, especially when you feel not a lot is going right. There were things I wrote down that I tucked in the corner of my mind and seeing it on paper got me excited!
3. Write down your fears, then rewrote the opposite-acknowledging your fears and erasing the negative from your mind gives you courage in my opinion. I was afraid to write my book for several reasons but I got the courage to move forward because I no longer cared about the opinions of other people.
4. Write down your gratitudes-It’s really hard to be sad, mad or ungrateful when you are constantly reminding yourself to be thankful.
5. Write down your affirmations- When the world says you are this or that, you have fresh reminders of the truth every day.
This blog is all over the place but the message I hope you walk away with is you ultimately have control over the direction of your life. Making the choice not to do something is still a choice. Allowing another person’s opinion of you affect how you feel is a choice. Not getting out of bed because you feel like a failure is a choice. Stop making excuses, decide to make small changes and over time the small changes will lead to lasting changes. If you fail, get back up. It’s the amount of time that you stay down that determines how much work you will have to put in rebuilding your mindset.
I will expand more in my book that is getting so much closer to be completed, but if you have specific questions I would love to answer them for you. You can message me here or send me an email monapinon5@gmail.com
Thank you so much for taking the time to read, I hope that you will be encouraged!
Books I read
The Seven Decisions
The Travelers Gift
The Noticer
By Andy Andrews
People who inspire me:
Sylvester Stallone
Brady Adams
Myles Monroe
Les Brown
TD Jakes
Earl Nightinggale-The strangest secret in the world
Real Mom of 5 