I know I’ve written on this topic before, through a different set of eyes & knowledge of Christ. The freedom & genuine love I’ve experienced in the past 4 years has been what my soul has craved since I was a little girl. Recently, however, I wrestled with the thought, “am I enough?”
I’ve died to myself, willingly surrendering my life to Christ & committing every day to put his plan for my life ahead of what I think it should be. I want to grow & learn, not just in the teachings I believe but in understanding why others believe as they do. In conversation with a family member about Apostolic traditions we were talking about several topics, each leading to more confusion. How would I dishonor God & my husband by not doing xy&z?
I had to examine myself.
The ask always seems more than I can bear, maybe I’m not enough? In my thinking, I reasoned, how can God bring me from such despair to these corrections?
It all appeared meaningless.
Briefly, I toiled.
Maybe I’ve walked away from a life I could have only dreamed about as a child to wrestle with these words that have brought death to my dreams.
Maybe I will continually struggle to submit to this lifestyle I question, never fully grasping the meanings God intended in the scriptures. Deep feelings of inadequacy flood the front of my mind as I come back to this notion, “will I ever be enough?”
Briefly…
My innermost parts groaned at the idea, spiraling down I could feel the heaviness as this familiar thought tried to penetrate my understanding of truth. Of course, it was only for a moment yet the thought pierced my soul and my heart ached at the idea. I wondered if God’s heart ached a little too. I imagined Him saying, take that thought captive, does it align with what you know is true?
Briefly, I had forgotten, I AM ENOUGH.
Although I’ve asked God to stretch, teach & guide me at times my flesh wants to tap out. Feeling the pressure of the load seems like more than I can brave, yet I will continue to walk in a way that is pleasing to God. It’s easy to feel judged or inadequate when attending a holiness church. There are so many practices in the doctrine I don’t believe but I want to understand.
I have attended church online with TD Jakes since 2018, God did great work in me, just Him & me. I couldn’t imagine I would come face to face with myself as my own thinking has always been my arch-enemy. Yet His lovingkindness is better than life, I will offer praises to HIM in my weakness. I was brought to this moment for a reason, God’s timing & plan for my life is perfect. As he paves the way I will do the work necessary as He convicts me.
Sometimes the ask DOES feel like more than you can bear, but bear it anyway!
I feel like I am all over the place with this writing, yet right where I need to be. When I can write freely I imagine it will all make sense to you those who read my posts. In the end, it is the battle in our own thinking that provokes feelings of inadequacy. My understanding of Apostolic teachings is rooted in past negative experiences. I can not measure where I am right now to the past, I’m simply not the same person.
We are more often closer to our destiny yet give up because we don’t know how to handle the places HE takes us. Lean on Him in your ignorance, trust & submit to Him fully, and He will guide you.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
When wisdom enters your heart,
And knowledge is pleasant to your soul,
Discretion will preserve you;
Understanding will keep you,
To deliver you from the way of evil…
Proverbs 2:10-12
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.
Psalm 119:34
Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
Psalm 63:3
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”
Psalm 51:12
Real Mom of 5 