Unsteady

At times when I reflect on my life it’s like playing with the pin of a grenade, I know it’s dangerous yet I pull out memories that cause explosions I’m not sure I can contain. As I stare at a picture of my siblings and me, I am transported to moments when nothing seemed real and if I’m not careful I feel I could get lost. It’s possible to forgive others and heal & be triggered when you’re forced back into old places, times & spaces. Can I go back and reopen all the wounds to find the good memories? One day, I hope. Right now I want to allow myself to continue healing as I take steps toward my destiny.

Too late.

The sad eyes and the smiling face pull me back, it’s as if I was there in real-time. I see myself as a child when I would imagine my life was a movie, where I believed there was a hidden camera filming my day-to-day. Even when the news was on, I imagined the people inside the TV could see what was happening in my reality show and they were doing nothing to stop the madness in the four walls. When I was by myself I would scream at the characters playing on the screen, Can’t you see what’s happening?? I looked around waiting to hear, “cut or that’s a wrap”, only silence. The more time went on I began to realize, it was my life. Once I could tell the difference I kept up the act, I smiled, played the role, was obedient, and never rocked the boat but inside who I was created to be, was slowly dying.

The conflict I had within myself was this, as I went through life, the version of myself that fit for one season did not work for the new cast & crew. It was always me that needed to change, the bar kept raising & I realized who I was created to be would never good enough for anyone around me but God. I think parts of me resented Him for creating me this way, for allowing my life to continue, I resented my life, I resented everything. I recently moved my family from my comfortable stable life into the unknown and it scares the shit out of me. The unstable ground I am walking on feels familiar. I am being asked to put on a smile, be obedient, play my role, and God forbid I rock the boat. This time, however, I am not a child who requires accolades. I am a Forty-something that knows reality from imagination and I no longer feel the need to conform.

As life is ever-changing before me, God asks me to continue walking even though I feel unsteady. “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” Proverbs 4

I question, How?

Not to be defiant or question his plan for my life, I don’t know how.

The variables in my current life situation are many, my whole identity was uprooted & now being challenged. When you’ve lived the majority of your life never taking root and finally find a place to call home, it’s peaceful. I love all the places God has healed & where he is taking me yet I’m afraid. I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life. Could it be that I am so close to where He wants me that frightens me the most? Could it be the peace I want to go back to is an illusion to cause a distraction so great it disrupts all my members but the spirit?

I’m unable to see and what I feel is deceiving me.

Searching.

He is searching me as I search for Him.

Confusion & chaos ensue me as I walk this unstable, unsteady, unrooted ground. Yet in all of it, I am still CHOSEN.

Uprooted I search for the places where He should have my feet to walk. Like the hinds feet of a deer, I am planted firm in the heights though illusions should have me think I am forsaken. Psalm 18:33 “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights”

As God continues to do good work in me my humanness is exposed & new levels of trust come to the surface. Courage requires vulnerability and these uncomfortable places create gaps that only God can fill. In my own strength, I try and scale the walls I’ve not to tread yet my ego convinces me I should be further than this. Who am I here? What am I supposed to do? Usually, the script is written for me, who I should be, how I should act, and what I should say. Yet here I am, in this place to face my past so I can live the unscripted version God wants the world to see. Can they handle who I am, this is not up to me to decide, this unstable ground is playing havoc with the truths of my past & present. Yet I stand, griping my destiny with my teeth, I hold tight.

We are all one thought, action, and choice away from completely losing the life we built & tried to protect. In new places, times & spaces I walk the heights. I don’t know how I will come out unscathed, yet “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way clear.” (Psalm 18) My thoughts and feelings have become traitors & my past the lead agitator. It is within myself I wrestle, screaming for the truth. Standing at this height I can not be trusted, yet God in all his glory is strengthing me. “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore you, strengthen you and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)

What I am left with is this, who told you?

Who told you, you couldn’t?

Who told you, you weren’t?

Who told you, it wasn’t supposed to be?

Who told you that where you are right now is not where God wanted you to be?

Broken. Crushed in spirit I cry for help, & He hears me.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit .” Psalm 34:17-18

Willfully broken I will climb to new heights, not because of me but of HIM who lives in me. The one who knows where I should be requires that I continue to take the steps, handing over my outdated tools and exchanging them for ones that serve in the season I am in. It is for this season I was created, blessed, and highly favored. In this season I will be strengthened, and my back will be strong for the journey. I can’t look at the distance, only to God who will equip me for the task ahead.

Be encouraged…

I Briefly toiled

I know I’ve written on this topic before, through a different set of eyes & knowledge of Christ. The freedom & genuine love I’ve experienced in the past 4 years has been what my soul has craved since I was a little girl. Recently, however, I wrestled with the thought, “am I enough?”

I’ve died to myself, willingly surrendering my life to Christ & committing every day to put his plan for my life ahead of what I think it should be. I want to grow & learn, not just in the teachings I believe but in understanding why others believe as they do. In conversation with a family member about Apostolic traditions we were talking about several topics, each leading to more confusion. How would I dishonor God & my husband by not doing xy&z?

I had to examine myself.

The ask always seems more than I can bear, maybe I’m not enough? In my thinking, I reasoned, how can God bring me from such despair to these corrections?

It all appeared meaningless.

Briefly, I toiled.

Maybe I’ve walked away from a life I could have only dreamed about as a child to wrestle with these words that have brought death to my dreams.

Maybe I will continually struggle to submit to this lifestyle I question, never fully grasping the meanings God intended in the scriptures. Deep feelings of inadequacy flood the front of my mind as I come back to this notion, “will I ever be enough?”

Briefly…

My innermost parts groaned at the idea, spiraling down I could feel the heaviness as this familiar thought tried to penetrate my understanding of truth. Of course, it was only for a moment yet the thought pierced my soul and my heart ached at the idea. I wondered if God’s heart ached a little too. I imagined Him saying, take that thought captive, does it align with what you know is true?

Briefly, I had forgotten, I AM ENOUGH.

Although I’ve asked God to stretch, teach & guide me at times my flesh wants to tap out. Feeling the pressure of the load seems like more than I can brave, yet I will continue to walk in a way that is pleasing to God. It’s easy to feel judged or inadequate when attending a holiness church. There are so many practices in the doctrine I don’t believe but I want to understand.

I have attended church online with TD Jakes since 2018, God did great work in me, just Him & me. I couldn’t imagine I would come face to face with myself as my own thinking has always been my arch-enemy. Yet His lovingkindness is better than life, I will offer praises to HIM in my weakness. I was brought to this moment for a reason, God’s timing & plan for my life is perfect. As he paves the way I will do the work necessary as He convicts me.

Sometimes the ask DOES feel like more than you can bear, but bear it anyway!

I feel like I am all over the place with this writing, yet right where I need to be. When I can write freely I imagine it will all make sense to you those who read my posts. In the end, it is the battle in our own thinking that provokes feelings of inadequacy. My understanding of Apostolic teachings is rooted in past negative experiences. I can not measure where I am right now to the past, I’m simply not the same person.

We are more often closer to our destiny yet give up because we don’t know how to handle the places HE takes us. Lean on Him in your ignorance, trust & submit to Him fully, and He will guide you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

When wisdom enters your heart,
And knowledge is pleasant to your soul,
Discretion will preserve you;
Understanding will keep you,
To deliver you from the way of evil…

Proverbs 2:10-12

Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.

Psalm 119:34

Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.

Psalm 63:3

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

Psalm 51:12

Unplowed Ground

I’ve been reading in Hosea about God’s faithfulness to his people despite their constant worship of other idols. He was calling them to “10:12break up” their unplowed ground & sow righteousness to reap the fruit of unfailing love. It is time to see the Lord until he comes(11:2).”It seemed the more they were called, the more they went away” From him. The ground of their hearts was so hard, good seed was unable to penetrate & grow as they drifted further, and further away from God & their promise.

As I continued to read there was a phrase that really popped regarding plowing of the land and our hearts, “Because you have depended on your own strength”.

Wow!

I thought about how many times have I’ve depended on my own strength causing me to be so closed off to the miracle that is performed everyday as I take in each breath of life. Sometimes I wonder how the Isrealiest could be so naive to God’s love & power, yet I too have depended on my own comforts & strengths. The past couple of months I’ve struggled with the same idol as God’s ask of me was greater than I could comprehend.

The Israelites have become a source of self awareness as I too have wander in the wilderness. I know in the moment my flesh will cling to my own understanding, yet I will continue on the journey to my promise. I will allow God to take me back to the place where HE found me & healed my wounds. In that place I gain the clarity needed to forge through my doubts and insecurities. I understand the idol of self will destroy my connection with God, so will gladly surrender.

These ancient writings are more than just words on a page, they have become a roadmap of guidance and hope as God stretches me in new places. The words jump out of the page, grasping my heart as I question the meaning and how I can apply the information to my life.

For I know that “(4:14)a people without understanding will come to ruin…(5:6)When they go with their flocks and hearts to seek the Lord, they will not find him; he has withdrawn himself”

The prophet goes on to say, “Who is wise? Let them realize these things. Who is discerning? Let them understand. The ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.”

I know my fruitfulness comes only from God as I sit at his feet to gain clarity and understanding for my journey. He offers the same graces to all who are willing to walk with HIM.

I know our time is short as prophesy is unfolding before my eyes. My hope is through my writings I can help others gain clarity. I am a simple person who desires for God to dwell in my life through all that I do. If you are without hope our God will answer quickly, HE loves you dearly and desires “that everyone be saved and come to the knowledge of truth.” (1Tim 2:4)

Get Wisdom, Get Insight

Sometimes we don’t get to know all the details of a task that is placed before us, we are just asked to keep taking steps in faith. I’ve always been bothered by the term, “you just got to have faith,” although I’m sure I’ve irritated others a time or two with that cliché in my ignorance. Relationship with Christ requires complete surrender of self, in order to hear His voice as we walk down the path He has prepared. It can’t be faith alone that we yield to, relationship with the “good shepherd” will grant the wisdom to hear his voice in the frantic places. Without relationship we risk being deceived as there are so many opinions circulating as we obtain the courage to figure out the path on our own.

I’ve been guilty of being paralyzed by worry and anxiety as I leaned on my own understanding of what was possible for my life. It was only in the moments of complete surrender that I was able to hear the beautiful whispers of my Father calling amongst ALL the noise. It’s easy to know what to do when the path seems right, but what do you do when all you see is complete chaos? Without relationship, we rely on self and what is understood with our eyes. Although scary, the control we think we have gives false security & we are easily swayed. We talk ourselves out of our Promise and we rob the world of the very reason we were created.

Wisdom to know His voice is what I seek daily, it is the air that gives me life. I’ve tried my own path & ideas and they’ve always left me empty, hopeless & wanting more.

I’ve been in relationship with Christ, taking time to sit at His feet to builds trust, which has produced faith. I will walk in the scary places as my TRUST in Him is great. I have the confidence to know that He has chosen me to help spread this message of hope that others might be free from the same sabotage. David is a great witness to me as he’s faced all these things an more. I love digging into the Bible, when I am scared, uncertain or discouraged, I always have my hope renewed.

If you are struggling during these uncertain times and you’re finding it difficult to hear His voice. Sit at his feet, we won’t always know exactly what to do but HE gives us the insight to do something. I’m praying for all who read these words that you may be filled with HOPE as I am a witness to His goodness. If we seek him, we WILL find Him.❤️

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. 2 I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”3 As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.^[2]4 The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. 5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,^[3] nor will you let your Holy One^[4] see decay.11 You have made^[5] known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16

Other scriptures I read that produced this blog.

Psalm 85:13

Luke 1:76-79

Proverbs 4

John 10:1-4, 25-29

Song of Solomon 2:14

Romans 10

Resting between transition

Waterfall in the autumn forest by Scott Webb is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

June 16th I wrote about, “the waiting” how much I wanted to be present and feel each moment. I lost sight, yall!! I didn’t realize that the waiting could be longer than I wanted to wait. Like I had control over that anyway, who was I kidding?

For those who have endured the resting/waiting spot, I wonder did you struggle with the same anxious thoughts that have prevented me from being present in my current life?

Did you have the same question on repeat with burst of frustration as you no longer feel at home but not quite ready for what’s next?

God, when?

I’ve wrestled and overcame the “why,”, but the “when” has held my mind hostage as I take steps towards my destiny. The mass production of doubt & fear is causing paralysis & the inability to focus on anything but, WHEN???

The promise is but a whisper, like the subtle wind rustling between the leaves when summer transitions into autumn. Visually we can see the season change, leaving behind hot summer days to embrace the crisp fall nights.

Yet we must wait!

Do I dare ask the seasons, when will you take form?

No, I trust the transition.

The world will continue to spin as we wait on God, he only asks that we rest in Him. Why would I treat the waiting any different than I trust the changing seasons?

I’ve been trying to be the master planner, not because I don’t trust him, I just thought I would be further than I am now. Plus, maybe he needed my help??

I can’t be the only one???

When you have vision for the future, we must wait, rest, & prepare for the journey ahead. The transition has highs, lows and at times anxiety can really take over. I’ve spent so much time thinking of the other side that I’ve missed opportunities to rest for what I am stepping into.

I don’t have any of this figured out & I’m far from perfect but I trust that God will go before me & level the mountains, he will fight for me, put his hand of blessing on me & will never forsake me.

Duet 1:30

Psalm 139:5

Isaiah 45:2

If you are in a season of REST/WAITING, take it!

A good friend told me over lunch last week, just that, “maybe God wants you to rest.”

I’m praying for you, that you would take every thought captive & make them obedient to Christ. 2 Cor 10:5

At just the right time you will be on the other side, wishing you would’ve embraced these moments.

Yesterday I rested for today.

Share with me, friends. What scriptures, books, podcast are you reading & listening to in this season of your life to keep you encouraged? I would love to hear from you, drop a note in the messages or email me @ monapinon5@gmail.com

In the waiting

The chaos that ensues in the waiting can give a distorted version of reality. On one hand I understand my purpose, I’m ready, willing & excited for the journey ahead. On the other hand, it’s. Well. Complicated. The timing seems wrong, questions have me wide awake at night as I desperately want to know how all the moving pieces will fit. Life continues & falls apart all at once. I question my sanity, am I doing the right thing? While dream killer’s doubt & fear whisper, “you’re going to fail”. Yet I continue to press in, taking another steps into the next dimension. Into the places that God would have my feet to walk, scared, anxious, yet expecting.

Expecting God to meet me in my humanness, exactly where I am.

I’ve been so consumed lately about needing to know details, that i’ve lost sight of being present. I want to feel each moment as I transition, reminding myself that as I let go, and sit in the waiting, God is there. (Psalm 139)

When I read the Psalms, I don’t feel so alone as David had some of the same fears, doubts, question, wondering. At times if seems as if he’s bipolar, questioning why, yet pleading his trust in the Lord by the end of the verse. When I read his writings I can feel his anger, and anxious thoughts while understand the peace he’s experiencing in the waiting. The love, trust and dedication to God gives him the faith to enduring the waiting. I believe the ancient recordings of failure’s, disappointments, callings, being ask to leave comforts, etc. are in the bible to give us hope when we face similar situations.

What happens in the waiting are the best parts, the destination, completion of a task or the finish line are the moments we celebrate. On lookers don’t understand what you endured in the waiting & they wonder, wishing they too could be strong enough, brave enough, bold enough to be where you are. Yet refuse the uncomfortable parts of the waiting when they receive their call. In the waiting we learn, grow in our faith, and make the small transitions in to who God created us to be.

If you are in the waiting, be encouraged. You’re in right the spot! You’re not crazy, or maybe you are. Be still, sit quiet, patiently filtering through all the noise.

Our good shepherd is calling.

”The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him”

2 Chronicles 16:9

God has been giving me nuggets of hope through the scriptures, songs and books.

Psalm 40

Psalm 27:14

The In-Between by Jeff Goins

Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter